Alien Predators (or Alien Predator, or The Falling—I don’t know) (1985)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

Mission Log: Small Maryland town is run afoul of multiple aliens that happen to be extraterrestrial zoo specimens. While the sheriff and mayor struggle with this dilemma, they hire a strange expert that can help them capture the aliens.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Titles tell us that Skylab was launched to “perform a series of highly classified experiments that could not take place on Earth.” Like what happens when you eat Pop rocks and drink soda at the same time?
• This musical score sounds eerily familiar. Kinda like Poltergeist.
• Is that wreckage in Spain supposed to be Skylab? Because a quick gander at the Skylab page on Wikipedia tells me that it landed in Australia. But I guess I’m just being nitpicky now right?
• Cut to: Steers walking around “Five Years Later.” For reasons unknown.
• So for 5 years there was no harmful activity from the Skylab debris until now when a roaming bull in the area happens to contract something.
• THE FALLING? I thought I was watching Alien Predators? Or Alien Predator according to imdb. This flick seems to have an identity crisis.
• Good to see Dennis Christoper still into classical music like he did in Breaking Away.
• Hey it’s Lynn Holly Johnson, AKA Bibi Dahl from For Your Eyes Only!

• It’s too bad Lynn Holly Johnson isn’t related to Brian.
• So now cut to wild dogs devouring the dead bull from before. It’s honestly making me sick. 
• Something inside the bull carcass is attacking the dog. So picture this: a dog is halfway inside a cow carcass struggling to get free while its slipping on the cow guts outside the cow. It’s a beautiful sick sight.
• So we have Michael, Damon (Dennis Christopher) and Sam (Bibi Dahl) driving an RV through the Spanish countryside. I’m still not sure why. But of course they almost hit one of the wild dogs on the road.
• How did he know that was a beer bottle thrown at the RV while they drive through town? That could’ve been a jar of piss or a failed Molotov cocktail.
• So far 75% of the movie is filmed from the hood looking at them driving. 
• “So now the pinnacle of the evening…which one of us gets to sleep with Samantha.” Sam replies “Oh get out of Tom.” It was town but the way she said it it sounded like Tom.
• So neither of these gents are dating this girl? Are they coworkers or did they pick her up hitchhiking? They seem to know each other rather well so far. She even kissed both of them (on the cheek) when we first met her.
• “Sam, I could definitely fall madly in bed with you.” Hahaha. Nice one Dennis.
• So in the morning they meet another family from another RV parked not too far from them. The father is Indian, the wife is maybe the same but the daughter is highly caucasian and overdubbed terribly. His Indian accent is the butt of many jokes from the film and our main characters. Dennis even says “Birdie Num Num” from the Peter Sellers movie The Party. Not sure what’s the point to all this.

• Now we’re treated to Dennis Christopher goofing off for 3 minutes.
• I’m not sure if these NASA guys are Spanish or just meeting in Spain because of the Skylab wreckage. They’re definitely Spanish actors.
• The one guy shows the NASA fella a corpse with what is described as someone that got a soccer ball shoved down his throat. It’s kinda a cool visual effect.
• They notice the bulge in the corpse’s throat is moving and the NASA guy casually cuts it open with a scalpel. Bear in mind that the corpse is on a motel room bed, not a lab.

• Why did Michael and Sam order food for Damon at the restaurant if they sent him off to get car parts for the broken down RV? A. they don’t even know if this town has a mechanic and B. they don’t even know how long he’ll be. Kinda weird.
• This Michael is such a sap. I’m starting to hate him.
• The waitress, when she brought the food earlier, had really poofy bright red hair. When she came back to bring the bill, her hair was all the way up like Bride of Frankenstein for some reason.
• I’m not sure where or how this movie is going. I did read earlier that An American Werewolf in London’s humorous/horror tone was an influence but sadly, none of it is working on this.
• The NASA guy’s name is Dr. Tracer. “Your mother’s a TRACER!”
• The other fella with Dr. Tracer found canisters from Skylab and gets angry and violent towards Tracer asking what are they doing with them? My question is, why is the other guy angry since he doesn’t know what the implications of having Skylab stuff could do. For all he knows this stuff could cure cancer.
• Now it’s revealed that the small amount of blood that got on the other fella’s shirt from the corpse in the motel will cause that guy to mutant into an alien or something. Appalled at this news he shoots himself dead. I didn’t even learn the guy’s name.
• Dennis just told a terrible Elmer Fudd joke and he asked Sam for a kiss, which she refused. He then asked in Fudd’s voice “that I guess a blowjob is strictly out of the question.” She flies off the handle. I really don’t understand their dynamic here.
• Despite Sam’s rage at both of them and storms off, both Damon and Michael chat about who is going to get her first. Dummies.
• Dr. Tracer tries to warn Sam that she’s in danger but she mistakes him for hitting on her and doesn’t heed his warning. Trouble is Sam, is just to attractive any assumes all men want to get in her pants. So it’s all her fault.
• While food shopping Sam is confronted by a weirdo in a plastic female mask. This movie is all over the place! Is it trying to be a slasher film now?!

• When Sam runs outside the shop, the mask-wearing creep grabs her but then we see a truck ramming him and killing only him. She was saved by a clever film edit!
• I should also point out that this is the second time were seeing this incredibly muddy truck and we have zero idea who’s driving it or what’s the point to it. Director must’ve just watched Duel.
• It was really lucky for the filmmakers to find a seemingly empty town to film in. Since Sam and company have been here, there has been maybe 3 people walking around here.
• Man, we’re halfway through and so far no aliens or predators. Sexual predators sure but not the out-of-this-world types.
• Over the CB radio, Damon and Michael hear that Sam was kidnapped by Dr. Tracer and that he needs to get in contact with NASA. Question though…Why is Tracer and Sam’s CB on and how did Damon and Michael know to tune in to find Sam? This is way too convenient. It would’ve been more feasible if they drove around and found her out-of-the-blue.
• Damon runs over to the Indian family’s RV and when he opens the door a very bright light shines on Damon. We don’t see what’s inside but Damon proceeds to vomit after seeing it. Michael goes over and sees a tricycle, a talking doll and a spilled soda pop bottle. After a few seconds the father’s body drops and his whole face is torn off. A worthless jump scare to be sure.

• I should also bitch and complain that the tricycle moved on its own and that this flick thinks it’s a ghost story now.
• Within minutes Damon fixes their RV with parts from the Indian family’s RV. In the dark no less. He may be shit with the ladies but he’s a marvel mechanic.
• While Tracer is trying to phone for help at the motel, Sam wanders off to a room and without looking sits on the floor and pulls the pillow off the bed not noticing the dead body already on the bed. Again a pointless jump scare.
• Some decent Friday the 13th music score cue rip offs.
• The only road leading out of Duarte? Last I checked this town wasn’t an island. This makes no sense.
• Damon calls Sam a bitch because she calls out his selfishness. He’s really batting a 1000 with her.
• Tracer says he needs one of these canisters to make an antidote to cure the alien infestation. So why didn’t he take one earlier in the film? He had no one stopping him then.
• And what alien infestation? We’ve seen 2, maybe 3, people act strange like they could be infected. But then again with this town, who knows. 
• Tracer says he’s going to make the antidote in the RV but he has to go back to the NASA research center. So, why doesn’t he just work at the research center? It was fully equipped and underground!
• Damon complains to Tracer that no-one is giving him credit for fixing the RV and when Sam comes back in the RV Tracer tells her “I have to tell you something. It was Damon who fixed the camper.” I don’t know why but I found that kinda funny. Maybe it was because Tracer probably phonetically learned that line.
• Well. That was one confusing and horrible Vietnam joke.

• There’s a car chase happening and I don’t think Michael even knows he’s involved.
• There’s this pointless heartwarming scene of Damon sweet-talking about Michael to Sam because Michael is sacrificing himself to go to the NASA research facility.
• There is really no conflict in this flick. Michael was chased by a car earlier but after a minute lost the tail. He made it to the NASA research facility with no issues or Crom-forbid alien predators attacking him. I’ve had more tension and conflict grocery shopping on a Saturday afternoon.
• OK, maybe there’s an alien predator at the research facility. But it’s a small creature. And Michael is fighting it in the dark, so you can’t even see it properly. And Michael beats it with his flashlight. And, man, this really sucks.
• A moment ago Michael was screaming in disbelief at him not being able to open a door at the facility while it was in “emergency destruct mode” and they even cut to Sam who I can only assume has Jedi mind powers now and then they show the outside of the facility and Michael runs out screaming “I got it!” So I guess it wasn’t that hard to get out.
• And is every Sci-Fi/horror flick legally obligated to include a Self-Destruct mechanism in their movie?
• Because the facility blew up in a hilariously huge explosion, fighter jets are deployed from an aircraft carrier somewhere in the Atlantic.
• “Hollywood’s #1 driver” Did Michael just describe himself as that? Why? Did I miss something?
• Sam called him “Hollywood’s #1 driver” too. I definitely missed something.
• And what dos that even mean? Stunt driver? Or that he drives people to and fro studio lots? I’m assuming the latter.
• Now Sam is kissing Damon. At this point I wouldn’t be surprised if she fucked them both.
• It’s hilarious how dead and empty this Spanish town is.
• Glad even this dumb Spanish-produced POS still adheres to the a car crashes and must immediately explode rule.
• Michael explains that he escaped the facility by climbing up the elevator shaft. I can’t believe he was able to do that while holding that canister.
• Yeah, seriously, you have an RV. You can make out in it instead of staying still in that garage like sitting ducks. Although, with virtual no enemies I don’t know if they have to hurry for anything.
• Tracer made the antidote within 2 minutes. Amazing!
• Tracer finds his vein with no tourniquet! Double Amazing!!

• I can’t believe that there’s less than 10 minutes left and we saw only one tiny alien and it was in the dark! This is pathetic!
• YOUR MOTHER’S A TRACER!
• I’m not 100% sure why the antidote didn’t work on Dr. Tracer. It surely won’t matter now that he was run over by a truck. Now they can trace a chalkline around his dead fucking body!
• I’m going to assume that Damon telling them: “Don’t wait for me!” Was a Jaws homage. How could it not be since it made virtually no sense for him to say it.
• He then yells that he “Loves the smell of napalm in the morning!” Crom-damn this movie is utter shite.
• By the way, the bridge that a group of somethings (I don’t know if they were normal humans or infected humans) were blocking the way out of Duarte was not that blocked as the RV easily ran past the blockade of fire with no issues.
• With 4 minutes left we finally see an alien in plain sight coming out of a gas station attendant.
• HAHAHAHAHA. OK that was kinda funny. While it’s on the windshield of the RV and all three characters are screaming in fear for a good minute or so. Michael simply puts on the wipers and it knocks the alien off the RV. They then casually drive off squashing the bug-like creature with the tires. If only the rest of the flick was that absurd and clever in the humor department.
• Is that it? Please? Wow.

 

Phobia Level: We seriously need to stop asking this question. I’m dead serious.

Sick Bay: Truth be told, this was kinda gory. It may have lacked aliens or predators but ti did have some decent blood and gut effects.

Heavenly Bodies: None. No thanks to Bibi Dahl!

Best Transmission: Dennis Christopher had some decent line deliveries but nothing tops: “Sam, I could definitely fall madly in bed with you.”

Most Successful Experiment: That dead cow carcass scene with the dog was actually kinda disgusting.

Experiment Gone Awry: No scene in particular but don’t call your movie Alien Predators and only show 2 (pathetic) aliens. I can see why this film was maybe called Alien Predator. It should’ve stayed The Falling since that describes my interest in the film as I watched it. 

Damage Report: This was a complete turkey. Like I said, if the director wanted to be more like American Werewolf in London but with aliens then it would’ve been fun. But it’s more like American Werewolf in Paris. Just a pale comparison to an otherwise brilliant movie. Sure this had some decent gore special effects but that’s just about it. It had decent dialogue though unlike other boring horror flicks of the time. I have to admit I wasn’t really bored but rather, extremely disappointed. I think I wasn’t bored because part of me kept thinking that something decent could happen but ultimately it just kept getting worse and worse. Do yourself a favor and skip this one.

Kobayashi Maru Score: