Island Of Death (1976)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: A Big Fat Greek Killing Spree.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Why does this film have an official website? http://www.islandofdeath.com/
• These opening credits read like a gyro menu.
• Are we seeing the ending first or is this just a really short movie?
• The seafood in Greece looks incredible.
• This gay dude looks like some sort of Jim Steinman/Tim Burton hybrid.
• Celia and Christopher (the happy couple of this film) are banging in a telephone booth while on the phone with Christopher’s mother, so she can hear it. Things are about to get weird aren’t they?
• Celia’s not in the mood for morning sex, so Christopher goes outside and rapes and kills a goat. Yeah… I know.
• I think the French painter flirting with Celia is fucked.
• If a woman is crying and sucking her thumb while you’re going down on her, stop and ask what’s wrong.
• Celia and Christopher crucify the French painter to the ground, and then pour paint down his throat. Is that included on all Greek island honeymoon packages or just theirs?
• These two are really taking their opposition to gay marriage to extremes.
• The old brains being blown out all over a wall then smash cut to strawberry jam on toast scene. If I’ve seen it once…
• Christopher’s justification for all of his horrible acts is that he thinks he’s ridding the world of filth and sin. Personally, I think he’s full of shit.
• Leslie the bartender, is a lesbian and a heroin addict. My guess is that they’re gonna kill her as well.
• Breasts were so much purer in the seventies.
• What the fuck is the deal with the music in this movie? This one song started off as a folky kind of love song, but the chorus is someone screaming, “Get the sword!”
• Foster, the cop who has been tracking these two sociopaths for what seems to be a long time, meets a truly pathetic end by being hung from and then thrown off of an airplane. Even Clouseau was thrown a bone once in awhile.
  

  If you’re going to be the film’s villain, steer clear of the fucking “Zoom” sweaters.

• Patricia, the “MILF” of the movie as it were, initiates sex with Christopher only to have him urinate all over her. Much to his chagrin, she really enjoys it.
• Christopher then beats her unconscious, takes her outside and decapitates her with a bulldozer. Imagine what would have happened if she didn’t like drinking his piss.
• Look, this shit is getting uglier than usual, I know it – you know it. Cowboy-up and get through this OK? Christ, wait ‘til you see what happens in Anthropophagus.
• If you’re not in the mood for strippers, having one of the locals dance around with an upside down shot of booze on his head seems the likely alternative.
• Two of the grossest hippies you will ever see, try to rape Celia when she’s in the bathtub. Since when do hippies advocate sexual assault?
• Thanks to a spear gun and a toilet with enough water to drown someone in, said hippies are dispatched post haste.
• Leslie sure can close the deal with a woman quick.
• Christopher is really becoming a killjoy. He gives Leslie a hot dose, then burns her face with a candle and some aerosol deodorant.
• Why is this crime novelist who finds Leslie’s body a writer and not a detective?
• Christopher leaves an empty box of film at the crime scene. The hunt is now on, and the third act upon us.
• Shit, just when you think the gorgeous naked landlord has escaped Christopher, she gets a hand scythe right between her hush puppies. Fucking misdirection.
  

  Donald and his balls were the last ones to find out that wearing 3 primary colors at once causes severe testicular trauma.

• As Celia and Christopher escape to the countryside in hot pursuit – they play that stupid “get the sword” song again. It isn’t often when the music actually helps make the movie worse.
• As they are being shown running through the country, Christopher completely ignores a lone donkey in a meadow. Thought for sure the degenerate would go for an afternoon delight.
• Finally needing a rest, the two come upon a lone shepherd and his flock. Uh oh… sheep.
• This friendly shepherd is the man that Celia has been having nightmares about all along. What are the odds?
• The shepherd rapes Celia while Christopher takes pictures. I need a shower.
• The shepherd then knocks Christopher out cold and rapes him. Now I need a bath after my shower.
• The shepherd throws Christopher into a lye pit which is not that bad unless it gets wet. Celia is now somehow in love with the shepherd since she has sex with him twice. Grand total: a shower, a bath, and a wet sauna filled with Purell.
• It is revealed that Celia and Christopher are brother and sister. At this point, do you really give a fuck? I didn’t.
• That night, as Celia and the shepherd are having sex for what is probably the tenth time, it begins to rain on Christopher – thus activating the lye and burning him alive. In the end it was he that hath truly been pissed on.
  

  Not quite the face one usually makes when walking in on a naked woman in the bathroom.

Scare Level: This is an exercise in depravity, not fear.

Gore Level: Moderate amount. Mostly blood, some brains. You can tell they wanted to go further with it but didn’t have the budget to do so.

Nudity Level: Every female lead in the movie appears naked.

Best Line: “She’s just making love to someone.” “It’s not her husband, she’s a bitch!” Christopher, you have so much to learn dear boy. She’s not a bitch… she’s cool.

Best Scene: Christopher’s abject horror in finding out that not all women find watersports humiliating.

Worst Scene: Are you really gonna make me mention goat-raping again? Fuck!

Overall: Well, I wanted to review some of the infamous Video Nasties – and this one sure delivered. This movie wasn’t even bad for being bad’s sake. It was like the director wanted to exploit exploitation movies somehow. Blood, gore, exotic locale, and plenty of nudity; still make you feel as empty as Don Draper losing the Lucky Strike account.

Score: 1 Goat Who Needs Micro Stiches (out of 10)