Evilspeak (1981)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: Social-misfit guy meets Satan. Satan gives him power for revenge. Misfit kills bullies. A cautionary tale of love and where to find it.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• This movie was a Video Nasty – so here’s hoping.
• A Satanic quote in an Old English font – good start.
• Title card: “And Satan said to the man of God…’What would you do tomorrow if you allowed me to die today? What vocation would you pursue if my name disappeared?’” Top of my head? Dentistry, landscaping, I dunno maybe musketry.
• Nice. This opening scene looks exactly like Iron Maiden’s music video for “Flight of Icarus.”
• The mighty Satanic priest is Bull from Night Court.
• The head of the church banishes Bull from Spain and all he does is spit in the priest’s face? No fight? C’mon.
• And what last night in Spain can be complete without a sacrificial be-heading of a topless woman.
• The choreography for this soccer game was not very well executed since the goalie waited until the ball was three feet behind him in the net before he dived for it.
• This kid’s name should not be “Bubba.” He looks more like a “Todd.”
• There is some concern about Stanley playing in next week’s game against John Paul Jones Academy. To be fair, Stanley has practiced and mastered both “The Immigrant Song” and “D’yer Mak’er” on bass.
• This military academy really hates the fact that Stanley is an orphan.
• I’m guessing most church cellars are as scary as this one.
• Stanley finds a human fetus in a jar of formaldehyde, thus throwing the church’s stance on abortion somewhere in the grey area.
• The said fetus is now crawling out of its jar, so it is alive and not aborted. The church can rest easy.
• In every movie about a misfit, they always have to trip and spill their schoolbooks everywhere.
• Why the Hell is the teacher of this class a Nazi? What kind of military academy is this? And why the fuck do you have to capitalize Nazi? Fucking Microsoft Word.
• Was one of the selling points of the early Apple computers a Satanic translating interface? I had a Commodore 64 and it didn’t have that option – quite frankly I think I got screwed on the deal.
• Stanley’s friend Kowalski is played by Haywood Nelson – better known as Dwayne from What’s Happening.
• Stanley is holding the Satanic diary right in front of the academy’s priest and he doesn’t even notice it.
• When the Colonel’s secretary Miss Friedemeyer tries to pry off the pentagram on the cover of the diary, it makes the academy’s pig population rather violent. I think this is a plot point.
  

  Even after literally burning the midnight oil for 2 weeks straight, Stanley finally came to the realization that he would never solve Zork.

• Along with every misfit having to trip, every fat bully has to say, “I’m hungry” at least once.
• I forgot that there was once a time when going roller-skating was actually considered to be a good thing.
• I’m already rooting for Stanley to invoke the Dark Prince and off these fucking pricks.
• When dealing with Satan you can say “shit” instead of “shoot.” I think he’d kind of want it that way. Everyone knows shoot is shit with two O’s. (Thanks again GC)
• Jake, the friendly and unfortunately shirtless cook in the mess hall is none other than Lenny Montana – Luca fucking Brasi for the uninitiated. Hail Satan!
• I always thought Satan stuff was associated with goats not pigs.
• Everyone in this movie seems to curse the most when they’re in this church.
• These are some really impressive computer graphics for 1981.
• These pigs took the shower scene from Psycho and fucking ran with it.
  

  Apple’s new iOS 11.2 home screen has had many complaints due its anti-Christian overtones, and the fact that not everyone is named Esteban.

• Why would you invite a priest to a beauty contest?
• Stanley got some super-human strength and throws his Nazi teacher onto a spiked wheel on the ceiling, thus fulfilling the last ingredient for the shit storm that is obviously coming in the next 10 minutes.
• The crucifix’s fingers start flexing and shoots the spike in its hand right into the forehead of the priest. I love this movie.
• If you’re trying to escape a church that is on fire, yelling “Fuck” won’t help the situation.
• Again with the pigs.
• That’s right Bubba, run deeper into the catacombs – that always works out for the best.
• For some reason the caretaker sergeant is resurrected and gives Bubba the Thuggeee Cult still-beating-heart-ripped-out-of-the-chest move. I thought Stanley would get to kill him after all of the shit he put him through.
• I’m disappointed to report that this is a weak ending. A title card says that Stanley went catatonic from the shock of seeing his friends and teachers die in the “accident” and was admitted to Sunnydale Asylum where he remains to this day. Luckily his computer screen comes to life and says that by the four beasts before the throne, Stanley WILL RETURN.
• Anton LeVay was noted as being a fan of this film – so considering that fact, I guess it really doesn’t matter what I think about it.
  

  IS THAT A DROP OF TRANYA ON YOUR UNIFORM?!

Scare Level: I could probably find some solace in the fact that I got the movie this month that featured a Clint Howard nude scene: which was pretty scary. I could, but I don’t.

Gore Level: Beheadings, flesh-eating pigs, heads getting spiked, dismemberment, and still-beating heart removal. More than the average bear in this movie Boo Boo.

Nudity Level: Thanks to the rather attractive yet larcenous secretary Miss Friedemeyer, yes.

Best Line: “Coopersmith what the devil do you think you’re doing?” BAH-ZING!

Best Scene: A flying, possessed, crazy-eyed Clint Howard wielding a Satanic broadsword, zipping around a burning church lopping heads off like he’s preparing for The Quickening.

Worst Scene: When the bullies got drunk, broke into the church cellar and killed Stanley’s puppy. I have mentioned before that I despise animal cruelty. Human cruelty? Major advocate.

Level of Hell: At one point, the Colonel of the academy disciplines Stanley by whipping his ass with a riding crop. Shades again of fucking Elm Street 2. He had obviously pledged Omega Theta Pi with that asshole Neidermeyer – nevertheless this is a damn good movie despite the fact that a fucking puppy got killed; and I am really tired of Ping referencing Elm Street 2.

Overall: The classic outcast that turns evil to get revenge on those who have wronged him formula works incredibly well this time. Clint Howard is the shit in everything he does, and he is right up there with Tom Noonan as far as my favorite unsung actors go. If you’re in the mood for a balls-out revenge flick, watch I Spit On Your Grave. If not, this movie will do just fine.

Score: 9 Satanic Apple II Computers (out of 10)