Look What’s Happened To Rosemary’s Baby (1976)

Whole movie:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: Rosemary’s baby Andrew/Adrian grows up to be a confused young man who doesn’t know what to do with his life. Someone get John Hughes on the line and straighten him out.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• The VO’s starting this movie are worth the price of admission alone.
• When young Andrew finds an Easter egg, he crushes it in his hand. I love this kid already.
• Andrew’s bedroom is decorated in a satanic-nazi-voodoo-death motif. It’s been decades since my Mom shopped from the Sears catalog, but I don’t think that was ever an option.
• Whenever I see a cult parading around in robes I always think of the monks from Monty Python and The Holy Grail.
• The building Rosemary and Andrew hide in is obviously a synagogue since there are stars of David painted almost everywhere.
• Ruth Gordon was fucking hilarious in everything that she did.
• Rosemary is now telling everyone in the synagogue to pray harder so the cult won’t be able to get a lock on her. Kinda pushy for the mother of the anti-Christ donchya think?
• There seems to be an on-going argument as to what this kid’s name is. Rosemary insists on calling him Andrew, yet the kid and the cult insist on screaming Adrian more than Rocky Balboa ever did.
• Patty Duke (Rosemary) is really chewing the ever-loving shit out of the scenes when she screams “Oh God!”
• I have never seen a satanic cult get-together catered so eloquently.
• This cult has so much internal bickering its like watching “The Ropers” in black robes.
• So the only way Guy could get Paul Newman to be in his next movie was to have the cult use their dark magic to make it so? Fuck you Satan, player-coach Reggie Dunlop had a better movie to make in 1977.
• I’m getting the idea that Andrew wants to be evil, despite Rosemary’s efforts to the contrary.
• Andrew dispatches a gang of bullies with his Satan eyes, knocking them all unconscious. After which Ginger from “Gilligan’s Island” rescues him and Rosemary. Fucking 70’s made for TV movies rule.
• Patty Duke is really terrible in this movie.
• I have never had a cop tell me to “move along” because “there’s nothing to see here.” I’d really like that to happen at least once before I’m gone.
  

  Who can that be knocking at my door? Go away, I look like Willam Dafoe.

• The kid portraying Andrew would have been an excellent young Michael Myers.
• Ginger lies to Rosemary by saying that Andrew killed two of the bullies. I bet she’s in on this whole devil thing.
• Called it! Rosemary is tricked by Ginger into getting on to a driver-less satanic bus and driven away to the same desert that Freddy went to at the end of Nightmare 2 it seems. Ginger then takes Andrew away in her car and here endeth The Book Of Rosemary.
• Now Andrew’s grown up, a terrible stunt driver, and makes his friend take the heat for a speeding ticket. Wait until his father hears about this – oh, right.
• Marjean’s Castle Casino. Where else should the anti-Christ grow up? All right, maybe a Trump casino would do it.
• They should have had Adrian (née Andrew) order the Bloody Mary instead of his friend.
• You would think that the anti-Christ would have been a far better musician than the one portrayed here.
• It took me a few minutes, but I now recognize the actor playing Adrian. He was the corrupt Fed in Beverly Hills Cop 3.
• So since Christ didn’t get his super-powers until he was in his 30’s, Adrian’s have to show up now that its his birthday. Fair enough if you think about it really.
• The crucifix Adrian wears burned his chest when he was a kid, but it doesn’t burn his eyes when he puts it on his face? Even the evil half of religion has no fucking consistency.
• After listening to all of the trials, tests, and confirmations Adrian has to go through to prove himself worthy of being an adequate vessel for the power of Satan, you kinda realize that Jesus had it, well; kind of easy.
• Adrian’s best friend is named Peter who dresses in white, is a divinity school dropout who didn’t go back to high school (despite Frankie Avalon’s advice); and is always trying to help Adrian with his problems. If you don’t know the names of the Apostles and have never seen Grease then I can’t help you.
• When Damian was in a church he screamed bloody murder, all Adrian does is get melancholy.
• What is with the cult taking control of vehicles? This isn’t Maximum Overdrive.
• Adrian beats the ever-loving shit out of a gang of bikers. I can only pray to sweet irony that they were Hell’s Angels.
  

  Don’t make Guy angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

• Adrian refuses to run away with Peter without taking his car with him. This isn’t Christine.
• Adrian has black candles on his birthday cake. Too cliché.
• With constructive editing, this movie could have easily been a Kolchak episode.
• If Satan finds Adrian worthy enough to possess and bequeath his powers to, the calendar starts over to year one? That’s really gonna fuck up the computers.
• Preparation for the coming of Satan involves being made up to look like an asshole mime.
• Adrian gets up and leaves his satanic ritual to jump onstage and join the casino’s shit house band. He is dressed all in black and wearing white face, so I’m afraid KISS’ intellectual property lawyers will have to serve a cease and desist order immediately.
• Guy electrocutes Peter with a downed power line and Adrian sees him in a vision with his arms stretched out horizontally. Is that allegory? Here endeth The Book Of Adrian.
• Adrian is now Andrew again and in some sort of asylum. I don’t know how much time has passed since there was no title card.
• Donna Mills! Holy shit! Hail Satan!
• The satanic cult seems to be re-writing the rules as they go along. Every setback has a loophole. Just like if you worship the other guy.
• Andrew’s screams of “No!’ and “Why?” echo my own.
• There’s plenty of evidence in the original movie, but this “sequel” proves that Guy was a complete shit.
• If it weren’t for Ray Milland and Ruth Gordon this movie would suck far more than it already does.
• Another one of Andrew’s visions shows us that Donna Mills is either a Harpy, a Succubus, or utilizes the same costume designer Elton John had in the 70’s.
• Andrew’s car shows up out of nowhere and runs down Donna Mills and tries to kill Andrew. I knew it was Christine – nope, wait. Guy was driving it. Never mind.
• Donna Mills survives being run over and is also pregnant with Andrew’s baby so the cult can start over. I guess that red teddy she was wearing worked.
• So where the Hell (rimshot) did Andrew run off to exactly?
• Some still shots of a delivery room during the end credits, and then a scene with the new Satan spawn being born. Here endeth The Book Of Andrew and this movie. Thank Christ.
  

  Those “Endeth” jokes were actually based on the real chapters of this shitfest.

Scare Level: The only scary things were Patty Duke’s acting and the fact that this is considered a horror movie in certain circles.

Gore Level: Very minor bloodshed, and a crucifix skin burn.

Nudity Level: This was the ABC Friday Night Movie on October 29^th, 1976 – low level.

Best Line: I have two for this: 1. “The other child was raised as a carpenter’s son, and we got a hooker.” 2. “They’re in a house of God.” “I told you they were in some kind of store.” Once again, Ruth Gordon is pure gold.

Best Scene: The villainess of Knots Landing raping a disheveled anti-Christ. That sentence would have never existed if I didn’t write it. You’re welcome.

Worst Scene: The entire first book, or chapter, feels way too rushed. I understand that this was a TV movie and that there’s no such thing as too fast – but it was almost like that knew they had to throw in Rosemary or else they wouldn’t be able to link it to the original movie.

Level of Hell: Burn with Bernie baby. This TV movie was a quick way to try to capitalize on the Satan boom of the 70’s and while it was great to shred – it really isn’t worth a watch.

Overall: Ira Levin’s true sequel “Son Of Rosemary,” has not been made into a movie yet, and that’s not a bad thing. The book was pretty good and had a far more plausible ending than this did.

Score: 2 Satanic Self-Driving Vehicles (out of 10)