The Shallows (2016)

New on home video today is The Shallows which is about five brothers who are so competitive about their girlfriends that they will only date girls with zero physical imperfections but no girls like that actually exist so they’re constantly making fun of women who are very attractive but may have a hangnail or something so the brothers never actually get anywhere with women which makes them extraordinarily frustrated even though it’s their own fault and they even treat their own mother like shit because she’s got a mole on her cheek and one day the brothers are talking and decide that there were only two flawless women in the history of the world one was Cleopatra and the other was Alyssa Milano circa 1995 so the spend years and all of their family’s considerable wealth building a time machine to travel to the past and bring back one or both of them and figure out who gets who later and they’re so focused on making the time machine that they never sleep or eat or bathe and finally after 7 years the machine is finished so they immediately travel back to Egyptian times to get Cleopatra but it turns out she’s not as beautiful as historians believed because her eyebrows are a little too thick and the brothers are distraught and one of them has his mind snap with the disappointment and he jumps off the top of the Great Pyramid and kills himself but the other brothers are like “Oh well one less competitor for Alyssa Milano” so they travel forward to 1995 and kidnap her off the set of Poison Ivy II and are pleased to discover that she is indeed flawless but time and stress have ravaged the brothers’ looks and Alyssa wants nothing to do with them and they realize that they’ve become seriously flawed so they decide to end it all and jump off the life-size Great Pyramid structure on the set of Poison Ivy II while Alyssa Milano laughs her flawless laugh.

Own it today!

Warcraft (2016)

New on home video today is Warcraft which is about a 65 and older women’s crafting group in South Dakota that gets together on Wednesdays and the ladies share their home-crafted goods that they made throughout the week and work on a crafting project together like needlepoint or scrapbooking or what have you and one day it appears that that bitch Linda stole Patty’s prized pumpkin pie recipe and claimed it as her own in a bake off at the town jamboree so Patty murders Linda with a knitting needle that her ungrateful daughter-in-law got her for Christmas two years ago and half the crafting group is aghast and the other half thinks that Linda totally had it coming so the two sides battle it out in Evelyn’s den where the meeting is being held that week and it’s a total bloodbath with broken fine china plates being used to cut throats and decoupage glue being squirted down throats and pillow stuffing being stuffed down throats and a lot of stuff with throats for some reason until two women are left standing Patty and Evelyn and they survey the carnage and they’re both like “What have we done?” and they put their differences aside and make a quilt in honor of their fallen friends and that wins the blue ribbon at the county fair a few weeks later. 

Own it today!