Black Mass (2015)

New on home video today is Black Mass which tells the story of a meteorite that hits outside of a small town in Alabama and it splits in two and out pours this white goop and it crawls into town and starts latching onto people’s faces and devouring their faces and it can’t be destroyed because it’s just goop and at first they want to call it The Blob but that’s a different movie then they want to call it The Stuff but that’s also a different movie so they call it The Mass and they try freezing it like The Blob but it’s totally not The Blob it’s The Mass so that doesn’t work so it just keeps devouring people and growing bigger and bigger and at one point the local library which only has like six books and they’re all the third Twilight book points out that The Mass is only devouring black people and they’re wondering if that’s racist or not racist but the white townspeople seem kind of ok with it which is really messed up but race relations in the South are still an issue even though it’s 2016 but anyway they kind of back off after that revelation but the African-American community bands together and figures out that The Mass can be killed by blasting rap music at it which just kind of confirms that The Mass is racist even though it’s an alien life form so that’s kind of weird but it disintegrates and everyone’s mostly happy but it’s pretty awkward in town afterwards.

Own it today!

Steve Jobs (2015)

New on home video today is Steve Jobs which tells the story of a company that cleans out houses in which the owners have a severe hoarding problem and most of the time it’s really disgusting and the senior people on the cleaning crew want nothing to do with it but most of them are ex-prison inmates and their employment options are limited so they have to suck it up until one day they hire a guy named Steve who’s really obnoxious because he whistles all the time while they’re working and he’s not even a very good whistler so everyone starts giving him the worst work to do to mess with him and get him away from them like if there was a nest of dead rats they would say “This is a Steve job” and if some old woman left buckets of feces in her living room they would say “This is a Steve job” and this would go on at every cleanup and Steve would do these jobs all while smiling and whistling no matter how disgusting it got even when he had to clean out that unplugged fridge full of liquefied dead dogs in the middle of summer and the boys on the crew couldn’t believe that he never had a problem with any of it and they soon came to respect him especially since it meant less work for them but that turns into concern that Steve seems to enjoy doing the horrifying Steve jobs a little too much and then they think he’s a total lunatic so they complain to their boss but the boss is like “You lazy bastards he works way harder than you I wish I had a whole crew of Steves for these jobs and you know what I’m promoting him he’s your new supervisor” then Steve has them do all the Steve jobs and they’re like “That son of a bitch Steve had the last laugh” but a rumor begins to spread that Steve would take all the filth home with him instead of taking it to the hazardous disposal site and he would fill his bathtub with the feces and dead rats and liquefied dogs and even drink it and they confront him and he was like “It’s all true I do my best thinking in the filth tub” and they’re like “To hell with this Steve we don’t need our jobs that bad” so they all quit even though they know it will be hard to find more work and Steve ends up inventing a phone made of liquefied dogs but nobody buys it obviously.

Own it today!