Bone Tomahawk (2015)

New on home video today is Bone Tomahawk which is about a 105-year-old man named Tomahawk who decides that he doesn’t have too many years left and he’s never had sex which seems totally crazy not once in more than a century alive but he was always just too busy with his hobby of collecting a different bone from every president even though there are like 105 bones in a body and there have only been like 25 presidents he doesn’t seem to realize or care but he goes on a series of disastrous yet hilarious dates that all end in the same way with the women throwing boiling hot bowls of soup in his face but it’s not really his fault because he’s a 105-year-old virgin and he doesn’t have much of a social game and what makes matters worse (for him but better for the audience) is that every time he gets boiling soup thrown in his face Lemmy from Motörhead (R.I.P.) pops up out of nowhere and plays “Ace of Spades” louder and louder each time and it happens like 19 times in the movie and every time they play the whole song which pads the running time to 205 minutes and every time it happens Tomahawk loses more of his hearing until the end when he is stone deaf and sitting alone in his house thinking about just ending it all when the incomplete presidential skeleton comes to life and says “I love you” but Tomahawk can’t hear it but he has sex with the skeleton anyway and dies of natural causes immediately afterward and at the funeral later that evening Motörhead plays “Ace of Spades” so loudly that the planet disintegrates and Lemmy is the only survivor.

Own it today!