I was watching a mediocre Christmas movie with my daughter the other day and I noticed that the voice of the talking dog sounded a lot like America’s Actor™ Tom Arnold, of married to Roseanne fame. I confirmed this by looking it up on his IMDb page, and was Chrismystified to see that he’s been in an astonishing amount of horrible, straight-to-video holiday dreck, most involving dogs, estranged fathers, and/or weddings. It’s like a crappy yuletide flick can’t legally be made without his involvement. So I’ve decided to rank them, sight unseen:

10. Beethoven’s Christmas Adventure

9. A Christmas Wedding Tail

8. Chilly Christmas

7. Moonlight & Mistletoe

6. Chasing Christmas

5. Christmas Trade

4. All I Want for Christmas

3. Buster & Chauncey’s Silent Night

2. A Christmas Proposal

1. Three Wise Guys