ROCK ‘N’ ROLL NIGHTMARE (1987)

Trailer (I can’t seem to find one, so here’s the entire film):

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: A hair metal band that’s as soft as a kitten’s beard goes to a remote farmhouse to rehearse and possibly record it’s not clear and they start getting possessed and/or killed by demons but it’s not all it seems because it’s way more confusing than what it seems.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Not to be confused with Zombie Nightmare (also “starring” Jon Mikl Thor), Hard Rock Zombies, Hard Rock Nightmare, or even Heavy Metal Massacre. 
• Demons are in the kitchen! There’s some kind of vampire skeleton in the oven. Still beats Applebee’s.
   
• The Edge of Hell? Shit, we put in the wrong DVD.
   

• Long driving shot. At least Thor’s van is pretty sweet. Not sure why the vanity plate says DUCKER. Does that mean duck fucker?

   
• So Thor’s band goes to the house from before which has since been abandoned, to rehearse with no distractions. If they can’t rehearse without being distracted maybe they shouldn’t be together as a band.
   
• Every single scene in this movie goes on at least 30 seconds too long, and after those scenes there are two minutes worth of establishing shots.
   
• The manager of the band is serving pizza with a ’50s diner hat on. He must have brought that with him. Why??
   

• I’m sorry, but most of the girls in this movie look like dudes in wigs. So basically they all look like Thor.

   

  

  “I’d pass out condoms, but I’m not sure who to give them to!”

   
• Thor is wearing a shiny silver jacket to rehearse, but they’re just rehearsing, not filming a video or anything.
   
• A one-eyed dick monster spits goo into the manager’s cup. And he LOVES it!
   
• Demon boobs! Why isn’t that the name of a movie?
   
• The manager gets killed, screams, and everyone hears it and goes to look for him, but they can’t find his body, so they assume he bailed to go to a bar. I know I always unleash a blood-curdling scream when I leave for a bar.
   
• A demon visits the Australian drummer in the bathroom in the form of a random beautiful woman. Instead of screaming, “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!!!!” in her face, he goes for it. Then she turns into a monster and he just keeps standing there.
   
• A group of groupies shows up at 2 am to fuck, and get appalled when the manager (secretly a demon) asks them to fuck. Then they just kind of leave.
   
• Greatest metal lyric ever: “I set goals and I pace myself!”
   
• The drummer is now possessed, and has lost his Australian accent.
   
• He takes his girl to a pond behind the house. “How did you find out about this place?” she asks. IT’S 30 FEET BEHIND THE FUCKING HOUSE! “I looked out the back window.”
   
• Instead of Thor driving the van in the beginning and all the establishing shots, they could have padded the running time with a 45-minute skinny dipping scene.
   

• This girl’s boobs look like isosceles triangles.

   

  

  She dates a lot of architects. They’re drawn to her.

   
• Holy shit this movie drags more than the keyboardist.
   
• This movie should be fun, but it’s as boring and pointless as a Canadian election.
   
• We have a few moments of demon puppet comedy.
   

• Whoever made the creatures for this should be completely ashamed of themselves.

   

  

  Even the creatures themselves are ashamed, and they’re just made out of used merkins and moose shit.

   
• Satan shows up and delivers some exposition, but you literally can’t understand a god damn word he’s saying.
   
• So here’s the scoop: Thor is really the Intercessor aka Triton the Archangel, and he manifested all of the other characters in order to somehow piss of Beelzebub so he’ll appear and they can duke it out. Apparently this abandoned barn is the devil’s domain.
   
• Satan throws demon starfish at Triton and it’s one of the funniest things you’ll ever see in this life or your eternity in hell.

• I can’t do this epic battle justice with words, you have to see for yourself:
   
• What is with the religious shit? Why is it christianity instead of Norse myThorogy?
   
• The ending establishing shot is the most confusing thing of all. It’s just a random neighborhood that has absolutely nothing to do with anything that came before.

Scare Volume: If you’re afraid of shitty-looking puppets taking up residence in your appliances then steer clear. All others, steer clear as well.

Gore Volume: Not a whole lot, because fake blood costs money.

Nudity Volume: Six breasts, if I recall correctly, ranging from very very nice to defying the laws of nature and physics.

Best Scene: The end battle between The Intercessor and Satan is really the only scene worth watching because it’s probably the most ludicrous scene ever put to film. Here, watch it again:

Worst Scene: Virtually every scene that lingers wayyyyy longer than it has to, and completely unnecessary establishing shots. However, there is a hilarious reason for these:

The film came in 10 minutes short of its required running time. So director John Fasano and star John Mikl Thor filmed sequences of John Triton driving the band in the van to the farm. Hence, the prolonged opening shots of the van driving to the farm.

How ’bout the Tunes: Not awful, but the lyrics are so… positive. It’s weird. The songs are basically one notch above Christian rock, only replacing Jesus with Thor.

And this last one isn’t part of the movie, but it’s so crotch-blindingly awesome I have to share it:

Band Rating: I’m almost 65% sure the band is called The Tritons, but it’s not entirely clear. Thor plays John Triton, so I guess the band is named after his last name, just like Crosby, Stills & Triton. Anyway, Thor is a real sunshiny presence, but the rest of the band are like the automatons at Showbiz Pizza.

 

 

Overall: This movie is frustrating, because it should be a lot more fun to watch than it is. There are demon puppets that look like they were made by a kindergarten class whose school is riddled with black mold, “metal,” boobs, blood, the Devil, and, of course, Thor. Those are all ingredients in a success cake, but this cake never really rises because it’s so incompetent and confounding. But it does have its bright spots, and Thor is actually a fun lead actor in a horror movie. It was just capable of so much more for a drunken schlock night. They did not accept the challenge.    

Score: 5 Goals Set and Selves Paced (out of 10)