NEOWOLF (THE BAND FROM HELL) (2009)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: A band made up of werewolves rolls into a small town and frightens the locals with their shitty music and they’re also werewolves.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• The Band from Hell! So it’s Dave Matthews and Phil Collins together?
• Neowolf, not to be confused with Guitar Wolf or Lone Wolf or Neo: The One Wolf from The Matrix.
• I think this may be a Skinemax softcore. Are Nicole Sheridan and Evan Stone starring?
• Not the worst werewolf makeup I’ve ever seen… well, maybe it is.

• So from what I can glean so far, there’s a band, possibly from hell, and a werewolf.

  
  [not to be confused with this band from hell, which ROCKS]
• I don’t normally mind product placement, but this movie was clearly shot on a Blackberry Bold.
• Open “Mike” Night? I think those are on Thursday’s at Mister Fister’s.
• I am fast-forwarding through this motherfucker’s lame song.
• So after a bad fight earlier in the day, Tony sings Rosemary (our heroine) the worst song imaginable and she loves him again. Seriously what is it with women and musicians? The guitar string’s not on the other foot with guys, we don’t really care if a woman can sing or not. And that’s not some ingrained ancestral thing. Cave women didn’t find a mate through the power of song.
• So after all that soul-sucking songwriting, Tony goes off to fuck a she-wolf.
• Those are the second-nicest boobs I’ve ever seen on a she-wolf.

• The she-wolf just took a sex selfie, and there goes any and all hope I had for this movie, what sliver there was to begin with.

  
• So they turned Tony into a werewolf and Rosemary has to get to the bottom of it and IIIIIII dooonn’t caarre.
• So I guess when you become an immortal werewolf you develop the musical power of Nickelback.
• Just like werewolves battle an irresistible urge to transform during a full moon, I’m battling the irresistible urge to fast forward through the rest of this shitdog movie.
• Now here’s a thrilling scene of our heroes breaking into a garden to steal wolfsbane. Is wolfsbane deadly to humans? I’d like to find out right about now.
• Here’s a random competent all-girl band, but they still suck. It’s the curse of being associated with this movie. And there’s no shot of a guy looking at the lead singer with loverlorn eyes.

• Hey, a recognizable actress! Veronica Cartwright, you’re a loooooonnnng way from Alien, baby. I feel horrible for her. Like watching one of those ASPCA commercials with the Sarah McLaughlan music.

  

  “Get me out of this fucking movie! … SHIT!!”
• Whatever happened to Wolfmother?
• This Neowolf concert is weird because nobody in the audience is yelling, “Get the fuck off the stage!”
• If Neowolf is this hot band that’s all over the radio, why are they playing Bob’s Country Bunker in the middle of Fuckface, New Mexico?
• This movie needs another sex scene like I need another drink. DESPERATELY.
• “Whores take more work than this girl.” – my wife
• Well here’s that sex scene. But Rosemary is too highbrow to show any nip. She’s guarding them more closely than Colonel Sanders guards his herbs and spices and nips.
• “He put his werewolf seed in her.” – my wife
• Tony runs away naked, is in the middle of transforming into a werewolf, then suddenly he’s wearing pants.

• The werewolf makeup just looks like Jerry O’Connell, who definitely would have been in this movie if they’d just asked.

  

  He’s already starting to turn!!
• The gore is fairly decent, but that’s the only thing in this movie’s favor aside from the fact that Rosemary is extremely cute but she refuses to talk to me.
• Why the fuck does Tony live in a motel?
• Veronica Cartwright has to be like the aunt of the director or something. That’s the only reasonable explanation for her presence. Not that she’s Sigourney Weaver or anything, but slumming is slumming.
• This “moonlight” scene is brighter than high noon on Mercury.
  

  “MOONLIGHT GRAHAM.”

• I just got a great idea for a movie title: Beerwolf. I don’t know what it would be about exactly. I guess a dude who becomes a werewolf when he drinks one too many beers.
• “The moral of this movie is: that’s what you get for being a whore.” – my wife
• So basically every werewolf movie has the werewolf kill just because of instinct, but for some reason these werewolves lure people to devour. I think the filmmakers honestly confused werewolves with vampires. They actually look more like vampires than werewolves.
• Rosemary kills Paula the she-wolf with silver shotgun shells then Tony eats Paula’s guts to become a stronger werewolf. What?? Why don’t they just sprout fucking pegasus wings while they’re at it?
• Rosemary’s gonna have a lot of explaining to do with all these dead bodies.
• Directed by Alan Smythe? Is that the modern Alan Smithee? That’s completely unsurprising.

Scare Volume: I’m scared that my wife is going to start putting wolfsbane into my dinner but that’s about it.

Gore Volume: Gore is really the only thing this movie has going for it, and it’s not even that much.

Shot through the gut, and you’re to blame.

Nudity Volume: A couple of she-wolf boobs, a naked man-wolf ass, but it’s quickly and inexplicably covered by pants.

Best Scene: The climax, where everyone gets blasted in the guts with silver shotgun pellets.

Worst Scene: Any time Tony tries to sing and makes Justin Bieber look like Lemmy.

How ’bout the Tunes: The music sucks the hairiest wolf nards ever sucked.

Band Rating: Neowolf truly is the Band from Hell, but not in a cool way. I suppose they’re technically competent, but so is anthrax. The deadly poison, not the band.

Overall: Do werewolves have to go out and run around and kill every time there’s a full moon? In every werewolf movie when someone transforms into a werewolf they’re immediately consumed by bloodlust and murder every human they come across. Real wolves don’t do that. Sure, they’re dangerous animals and all, but it’s not like they’re constantly rampaging. Does anyone ever transform into a werewolf and then just chill out in a snowy cave? I digress, but it’s not like there was anything to talk discuss involving this movie. There are 382 better werewolf movies out there, see one of them instead.

Score: 1.75 Alan Smythes (out of 10)