HACK-O-LANTERN (a.k.a. HALLOWEEN NIGHT) (1988)
Trailer:
*Spoilers Throughout*
What’s It About: A boy’s grandfather is in a satanic cult and the boy is the antichrist or something and I don’t care and neither will you.
Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:
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Here’s the second weird grandpa/creepy kid scene of the month. This one seems much more likely to end in inappropriate touching.
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“But mom I like the taste of blood. Grandpa says it’s good for me!” It’s true. That’s why I put human blood on my kid’s cereal instead of milk.
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So the grandpa’s daughter hates him, so her husband Bill goes to confront him, but at his barn is Haxan of the highest order.
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Apparently young Tommy is the antichrist, and his grandpa does a mean Rex Reed impersonation when he’s in his Satan-worshiping garb.
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There’s some extremely out of place “chase” music during a scene of Tommy sitting on his bed doing nothing.
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Dissolve to an older Tommy sitting on his bed doing nothing. Hey, that’s also exactly what I’m doing right now!
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So Grandpa and Tommy have totally bonded over this Satanism thing. That’s heartwarming. I wish my grandpa and I had more in common.
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There are more devil horn hand signs in this than Dio ever saw in all his years.
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Is it being implied that Tommy is a product of father-daughter incest?
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Or I don’t know, maybe he’s just posing as his grandpa and Tommy’s mom is a former cult member? Eh, whatever.
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Tub tits.
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Do women play pranks on each other while one’s in the tub? I think yes.
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So here’s our music element: Tommy’s in a hairdeath metal band. They’re not half bad. Certainly not hacks.
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Tommy’s fake guitar playing is on par with Dragon Sound.
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Wait, Tommy’s metal band was just a nightmare? Well shit.
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The acting in this is on par with a community theater troupe that all died of asphyxiation when there was a carbon monoxide leak in their playhouse.
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This movie actually reminds me if The Ramones: “Hey, ho! LET’S FUCKING GO, ALREADY!”
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Roger is Tommy’s brother. Vera is their sister. Beth, Vera’s friend, asks Roger, wearing a cop uniform while sitting in his mom’s house drinking coffee, if he’s on duty now. Yeah he just decided to blow it off, dummy.
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Who the fuck swims in a white blouse? What would be the point of bothering? Just don’t wear a top.
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Full frontal! The movie knows it needs to keep me awake. And mark down two more puffy nipples on the scoreboard.
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Rake kill! It’s actually a longer version of the garden tool I didn’t know the name of in The Initiation.
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Grandpa talks like if Strother Martin and Wolfman Jack had a hardcore makeout session that crossed the line of good taste.
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Oh my god damn god, NOTHING is happening.
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Tommy beats up Vera’s boyfriend because they were on second base, even though she’s like 24.
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We’re halfway through, and I’m starting to get the feeling that Tommy’s nightmare is the only time we’re going to see a band in this movie. Why does this keep happening to me?
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Boy that is one scary stuffed goat. This coven is hardcore.
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Grandpa just said coven like Mark Borchardt says coven!!
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More full frontal! At least this movie has that going for it, which is nice.
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She has a good ass, then it’s made better with a pentagram brand.
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Roger and Vera about to make it in the cemetery:“I think you’re in GRAVE trouble. Ever make it in a grave?”“I’ve never considered myself dead meat.”“Dead or alive they all RISE to my command!”ARE YOU GUYS FUCKING SERIOUS??Oh by the way these two just met.
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Here’s another band at a Halloween dance, but they’re playing blues muzak.
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Ok, random comedy routine. Exactly like Blackenstein! Except the one in Blackenstein is funny, and this guy is as funny as Sophie’s Choice. He really puts the hack in Hack-O-Lantern.
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Ok, now the dance band is playing, and they’re on par with the band in Shock ‘Em Dead, without the good demon guitarist.
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Now Grandpa wants Tommy to kill Beth. Just do it, who cares.
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Well, he pusses out. What a disappointment. Way to ruin your demontaunt ball, Tommy.
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This coven is very upset at Tommy now, but what exactly have they achieved to make their lifestyle appealing?
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There are like 12 minutes left, and we’re not really building to anything.
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Is this guy from the coven in the demon mask supposed to be an actual demon??
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The demon is Grandpa in a mask. Was that supposed to be some big reveal twist?
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Oh there are a couple of these demon masks. Why? What the fuck ever.
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So Grandpa transfers Satan’s power to Roger and he shoots Tommy after Tommy saved them from Grandpa. LET THIS END.
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Five-minute stumbling through the darkened forest sequence. Fantastic.
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Oh, it was the mother, not Tommy. Who gives hack-o-fuck.
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Now Roger his head covenmaster. Good career move.
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Tommy was played by Gregory Scott “Cummins.” Wait… he’s Mac’s dad from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia!! I couldn’t tell because the quality of the video I watched was so poor I couldn’t distinguish facial features.
Scare Volume: Maybe if your grandfather made you drink blood when you were a kid.
Gore Volume: The most blood is when kid Tommy cuts his finger, other than that, it’s hard to remember, even though as of this writing I just watched this movie 19 hours ago.
Nudity Volume: Two full frontals, one partial, three halves, 17 quarters.
Best Scene: None, really, but any time Grandpa talks is pretty funny.
Worst Scene: Any other time.
How ’bout the Tunes: Eh, what little there is is fine, I guess:
Band Rating: Tommy’s nightmare band is decent, but not nearly as good as the Riverbottom Nightmare Band. They’re played by real-life band D.C. Lacroix. They had a couple of outside hits, they’re currently residing in the “Where are they now?” file. The band at the Halloween dance makes Stryper look like Slayer.
Overall: Shit-O-Lantern.
Score: 1.5 Pentagram Brands (out of 10)
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Ah, the Satan fingers diagram clears up SO much!
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I’m glad we provided a public service.
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I am going to blow it up big and pin it on my door.
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