MONSTER DOG (1984)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: Alice Cooper plays rock superstar Vince Raven (why not?) who travels back to his humble mansion estate to shoot a music video. But the timing couldn’t be funnier because the town is being terrorized by killer hounds and a werewolf!

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Opening scene is a rather awkward music video with Alice Cooper and I’m already getting a bad feeling about this. Sample lyrics:
  “Sometimes I’m James Bond. Sometimes I’m Billy the Kid. Sometimes I feel like Sherlock Holmes. Sometimes I feel like Jack the Ripper.” Ech. 
• Here’s my version. Sometimes I’m Gene Shalit. Sometimes I’m Pauline Kael. Sometimes I feel like Rex Reed. Sometimes I feel like Roger Ebert.
• Why in the hell didn’t Alice Cooper dub his own voice?!?! He sounds like Adam West.
• With all this talk of killer dogs in the area and how dangerous they are, couldn’t they maybe talk in a better location than out in the wilderness?
• Vince Raven wants to film a rock video in his home town. Why? I don’t know but there’s already been 5 deaths from killer dogs. Shouldn’t he, I dunno, maybe go somewhere else for a video shoot? Or delay it until the crisis goes away?
• The two cops had a barricade. For what exactly? They let Vince and his crew go forward. They’re looking for killer dogs right? So what’s the point of a road barricade? Especially if you’re letting cars in willy-nilly.
• Two cops brazenly and foolishly explore the woods to find the killer dogs and of course get killed. It’s possibly the most pointlessly and tension-less scene I’ve ever seen.
• Vince runs down a dog in his van by accident and feels bad about it. But they don’t know what kind of dogs are the killer dogs. The dog they hit with the van could be actually be one of the killer dogs. And they know there’s killer dogs out and about. If they didn’t know about the killer dogs than lamenting the death of this dog would make more sense.
• An old man with a bloody ripped shirt pops out of nowhere to give the gang a warning. And the gang hardly seem unfazed by him at all. Yup, just some kindly old codger in the woods.
• Now they’re going into the woods to find the old man?! There’s fucking killer dogs on the loose and they go into the woods armed with only their wits and flashlights. This is retarded.
• I’d rather watch the behind the scenes or a documentary on the making of this movie with Alice Cooper. How in hell did he get involved in this low budget, terribly written Italian werewolf movie? I’m thinking someone kidnapped his family and forced him to make this movie. He was a huge alcoholic during this time but I don’t think he really needed the work that bad did he?

• FUN FACT: Apparently this film’s European title is Leviatán. Which means leviathan. Which is a sea creature. How does this make sense? But if this was a movie not about a werewolf but a gill-man that would be ten times better. Imagine Alice Cooper either fighting a gill-man monster or being the gill-man. Why can’t my dreams ever come true?
• There’s a constant background sound effect that had been going on since the music video ended and it sounds like the sounds in the beginning of Jaws or some kind of jungle noises. At any rate it makes zero sense in the context of the film.
• Hahahahaha. Vince is reading a book about werewolves and the one page they showed was a full page photo of Lon Chaney Jr’s Wolfman. 
• Did she just say the year 2000 is just around the corner? This film was released in 1984.
• It’s very strange to see Alice Cooper passionately kiss a woman. And wear a sweater.
• How did the Alan Parsons Project get involved in this movie?
• Another lame music video for a song called “See Me in the Mirror.” These are actual Alice Cooper songs performed by Cooper yet they are not up to snuff. He’s a long way away from “Feed My Frankenstein” and “Poison.”
• I know Alice Cooper is the star for this crap but why is he taking all the unnecessary risks? It was he who attempted to find the old man in the woods. It was he armed with a shotgun patrolling the house when they first got there and he’s now roaming the forest trying to find one of his friends. You’d think a rock star would be more selfish and lazy right?
• A posse of old men think Vince is a werewolf and plan on killing him. The leader says he’s going to shoot him with this silver bullet. But he only has one bullet. What if he misses? He’s one cocky SOB.
• Yup. Shot the wrong person.
• Is there a chicken coop(er) on the roof?!
• Nice shotgun blast to the head effect.

• Girl gets her hair caught in a door and a dog is gnawing at it from the other side of the door.
• Even if Cooper is the monster dog and can control the other dogs this doesn’t explain why all the dogs were acting like crazy killers before he arrived. And why didn’t Cooper become a werewolf all these years before coming back to his home town. This doesn’t hold water.
• I’m a little confused. The monster dog was in the back of Cooper’s car and attacks them. So was all the dog controlling a ruse in the earlier scene? Do you care because I don’t.
• The bloody old man in the woods again! Is he a expositional ghost or the monster dog? Me shrugs.
• Now Cooper is transforming. It’s staggering how far removed from quality this werewolf transformation is compared to An American Werewolf in London. The transformation in Monster Squad is way better.
• So Cooper’s girlfriend just shotguns Cooper’s monster dog face off and that’s pretty much it. Yup. Done. Time to see the “Identity Crisis” music video again. Yippee. I really need a drink.

Scare Volume: Atmospherically it’s not terrible. The old mansion gives this awful movie a minor boost in the spooky department but that’s like putting a bow on a pile of dogshit.

Gore Volume: I think there’s more blood on an episode of Cutthroat Kitchen.

Nudity Volume: None. This dog of a flick can’t even give me that. Shame too because Victoria Vera is one good looking lady.

Best Scene: The only time I smiled and enjoyed this dogturd is when Alice Cooper blows off some dude’s scalp off with a shotgun. No More Mr. Nice Guy indeed.

Worst Scene: The opening music video is a tough watch.

How ’bout the Tunes: Two Alice Cooper tunes and two Alan Parsons Project tunes. The Alice Cooper songs are not the best from Cooper’s long career. The Alan Parsons Project stuff is from their debut album in 1976 which were musical representations of Edgar Allan Poe writings. Why songs about gothic horror are on a soundtrack about werewolves in 1984 is subject to scrutiny. But this does remind me to check out more Alan Parsons Project stuff.

Band Rating: Having a musical superstar like Alice Cooper is not enough to make a great band in this movie. If he was more like his actual musical persona and was more shock rock than this would be way better. Lick My Love Pump.

Overall: A real dog of a movie. A monster dog of a movie. It would be bad even if Alice Cooper wasn’t overdubbed but the fact that he is is distracting and stupid. The premise is weak with a rock superstar going back to his humble abode to film a music video where just so happens there’s werewolves. Any reasonable person would kindly walk away if there was trouble afoot with the supernatural. Why would this rock superstar decide to continue despite the danger. Anyway, dumb premise aside this movie is not worth anyone’s time, even if you’re a huge Alice Cooper fan. 

Score: 3 Identity Crisises (out of 10)