Dear Elvis,

I still love The Goonies too. But you’re right, there are a lot of questions like why cops are stopped dead in their tracks with a small barricade of fire (during the opening prison break scene) and how exactly is One-Eyed Willie and his pirate associates’ skeletons still sitting at the table with all the loot? (they must’ve all died at the exact same time—my autopsy is still inconclusive on that one)

But to get to your “real burning” question regarding the loot or booty that Mikey and the gang retrieved from the ship that Mikey’s dad declared that “there’ll be no more signing, today or ever again” before ripping up the bank’s foreclosure contract, is a good question and I have the answer for you. And like the Goonies, the answer will be good enough. Those gems are actually worth way more than you’d expect. By my calculations after looking again and analyzing the gems from the film, the monetary worth of those gems alone would be enough to not only save their house and all the other homes in the Goon Dock area but more than enough to buy the whole town of Astoria! Add to that the pirate map and other artifacts that were collecting dust in the Walsh’s attic and they could potentially buy most of western Oregon too. (I’m still trying to figure out why there was a static electricity ball up there and plugged in no less!) So it may have seemed premature to rip up the bank papers at the mere sight of what looked like gems found in a cereal box but in this case, Mr. Walsh was right. 

However, there’s more than just showing a few dozen gems to people to make a monetary claim on something. It’s not like Mr. Walsh can buy a new car with a few gems in his pocket and he sure can’t make a bank foreclosure disappear in an instant by showing off “stolen” pirate treasure in his kid’s jacket pocket. There would certainly need to be an appraisal of the gems which would take some time as well as in inquiry on the true ownership of the gems since they were just found on a 350-year-old pirate ship! I’m sure there would be a lengthy and difficult dispute if The Goonies can claim ownership those gems. Frankly, I think The Goonies are neck-deep in legal woes anyway for all the damage and trouble they caused.

And speaking of the pirate ship, you’re probably wondering what happened to the Inferno as it drifted out to sea in the finale. Well sources that I trust claim that it was found and captured by none other than 40-year-old pirate Jimmy Buffett! Singer-songwriter Buffett took the 350-year-old galleon for his own and used it for his band and stage crew as they sailed around the world during his Last Mango In Paris tour. Today, it’s incorporated as a set piece for his Montego Bay Margaritaville restaurant in Jamaica.

But this just goes to prove that old junk lying around in your basement or attic could actually be worth a lot of money. Just last week I rummaged through my basement but unfortunately all I found was old porn magazines and Magic Eye paintings. Maybe your house has some treasure and could make you rich. Hey, you never know.

Your picture pal,
Professor Popcorn

Have a burning film question for Professor Popcorn? Ask away in the comments section below!