Rhinestone (1984)

Drinkinstein! Holy smokes how did this get under my radar for all this time?! I’m just NOW hearing this country music classic sung by Sylvester Stallone and now my movie knowledge credibility is at a fault. This is hands-down one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

I‘ve heard of Rhinestone. I’ve probably avoided it like the plague when it was on cable despite it starring Stallone and Dolly. Actually, even as a youngster I knew better than to see a country music themed comedy starring Stallone. I have yet to actually see a comedy like Oscar or Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot starring Stallone in fact. The man’s just not fit for comedy at all.

So yeah, I avoided Rhinestone and look what happened (perhaps I’ll make it my next Cinemea Culpa). I missed out on the sad, silly glory of Drinkinstein. Dammit! Brian and I should be singing this like a national anthem every time we go to the Tilted Kilt. Well anyway, better late than never.

The song and its clip in the movie are great for many reasons. First and foremost, Stallone can’t sing for shit. He sounds like William Hung if William Hung actually had testicles. I’m hoping he’s exaggerating or acting worse than he actually is at singing but for the sake of the argument I think this isn’t that much of a stretch. (Have we ever seen Stallone sing in another movie?) But wow, this scene is hilariously bad. Second, his clothing. I had to do some research on the plot to Rhinestone and it’s basically Pygmalion with country singers. Parton makes a bet that she can take any Joe Schmo and make him a country sensation. So she gets stuck with Stallone and attempts to turn him into the next Glen Campbell. I don’t know why Stallone’s character agrees with this scenario but I’m guessing he hates it at first and slowly grows to love it and falls for Dolly. (plot writes itself.) So the fancy shit-kicker get-up is more or less a joke on him I’m assuming. And third this song, Drinkinstein is genius. Frank Zappa wishes he wrote a song as awfully good as Drinkinstein. How was this not a top-forty hit?! I haven’t heard the rest of the soundtrack but I don’t need to! Drinkinstein is all I need to get by in life. I just love how Stallone pronounces “labba-tor-eye-ee.” And I’m curious to know to what extent had Budweiser in this song. Did they force Dolly to write it for the movie? She is credited as the songwriter but I’m sure Anheuser-Busch had to give permission for the name, no? It doesn’t matter though because the song’s here and it’s wonderful.

Fun Fact: Stallone passed on both Beverly Hills Cop and Romancing the Stone to make Rhinestone!