ELI WALLACH IS DEAD. R.O.T.O.R. NOT RESPONSIBLE.

RIAN JOHNSON, WHO IS ONE LETTER OFF FROM HAVING THE COOLEST NAME IN HOLLYWOOD, HAS BEEN NAMED DIRECTOR OF STAR WARS EPISODE VIII. IN IT, OLD LUKE WILL TRAVEL BACK IN TIME TO PREVENT YOUNG LUKE FROM MAKING OUT WITH HIS SISTER, BUT THEN DECIDES IT IS REALLY HOT AFTER ALL AND HIDES IN THE SHADOWS TO WATCH.

 SHANE BLACK IS RE-TEAMING WITH FRED DEKKER TO MAKE A PREDATOR SEQUEL! IN IT, THE PREDATOR WILL DO BATTLE WITH THE MONSTER SQUAD, MEETING DEFEAT AFTER THE FAT KID BLASTS HIS NARDS OFF WITH A SHOTGUN.

WE FINALLY GET TO SEE SOME STILLS FROM MAD MAX: FURY R.O.T.O.R. IF YOU ARE INTO FAMINE AND PESTILENCE, WHICH R.O.T.O.R. IS, CHARLIZE THERON HAS NEVER LOOKED HOTTER. SHE IS LIKE NATALIE PORTMAN FROM V FOR VENDETTA BUT A WOMAN.

WARGAMES WILL FINALLY GET THE REBOOT IT DESPERATELY NEEDS, AS A TEENAGER ATTEMPTS TO HACK INTO R.O.T.O.R.’S HEAD, ONLY TO FIND THAT R.O.T.O.R. HAS LAUNCHED A DOZEN NUCLEAR MISSILES DIRECTLY AT HIS RECTUM. UNLIKE JOSHUA, R.O.T.O.R. LEARNS NOTHING.

NORTH KOREA IS LOOKING TO EXECUTE SETH ROGEN AND JAMES FRANCO FOR THEIR NEW MOVIE. R.O.T.O.R. HAS TAKEN ON THE JOB, PRO BONO, EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE KNOWS THE MOVIE IS JUST GOING TO END WITH THEM SMOKING WEED WITH KIM JONG-UN.

SHIA LABEOUF JUST CANNOT HELP BEING AN ENORMOUS DOUCHEBAG. 

THIS WEEK’S IMPORTANT BIRTHDAYS: J.J. ABRAMS (48), J.J. WALKER (67), DEVIN DEVASQUEZ (51), BEST SPIDER-MAN TOBEY MAGUIRE (39), TAIMAK (50), NICK OFFERMAN (44), KRIS KRISTOFFERSON (78), GEDDE WATANABE (59), RICKY GERVAIS (53), PETER WELLER (67), NANCY ALLEN (64), TINY “ZEUS” LISTER (56), FRANCES MCDORMAND (57), JOSS WHEDON (50), MARTIN KLEBBA (45), MERYL STREEP (65), BRUCE CAMPBELL (56), STEPHEN CHOW (52), UWE BOLL (49) CHRIS PRATT (35) AND MICHAEL GROSS (67)!

TRAILERS OF THE WEEK:

QUESTION OF THE WEEK: