Dear Dick,

This movie is set in the Ozarks of Oklahoma, where the laws are more twisted and inbred than the people. The handshake that Happy and Shooter shared is a legally binding agreement there, and if Shooter had reneged on the deal he would have been forced by law to have the county’s third-hungriest pig gnaw at his genitals, rendering him unable to father his grandmother’s child, which would have been Happy’s brother and uncle. Happy also won the rights to the homeless man in the deal, who was actually the mayor and top snake venom farmer of the town. I know this because I spent one glorious summer there, washing the undercarriages of elderly men in exchange for clues to the whereabouts of a mythical perfume mine in the area. The mine was fruitless, but I learned a great deal about the horrors of men, and I turned that experience into the screenplay for Troll 2.

Your picture pal,
Professor Popcorn

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