Thor: The Dark World (2013)
*SPOILERS THROUGHOUT*
Starring: Jaimie Alexander, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman’s ghost, Tom Hiddleston, Idris Elba, Anthony Hopkins, Rene Russo, Chrisopther Eccleston
Directed by: Alan Taylor (at least one episode of every HBO drama in the past 17 years)
Synopsis: Thor must stop some Dark Elves from using their dark goop to take over the universe by blasting Dio music at them.
Best part:
It’s an old gag from Raiders of the Lost Ark but it’s still pretty sweet.
Worst part: Any time Darcy parts the pool noodles on her mouth and talks.
Best line: Odin: “She has no more place here than a skeleton does at a banquet!” (paraphrased)
Nudity: Thor, shirtless, if you’re into that sort of disgusting thing.
Overall: A pretty cookie-cutter super hero movie that just didn’t do anything for me. It was well-directed and had a few good action scenes, but mostly I didn’t give a dung beetle’s prized turd about anything that was going on, or anybody but Loki and Thor, I guess. Jane Foster is about as interestin as a plain turkey sandwich on stale Wonderbread, and Natalie Portman seriously looks like Valerie Bertinelli should show up during her scenes and ask you to donate food. Darcy is one of the most annoying characters in movie history. I actually dreaded every scene she was in. The film tries to lean on comedic lines, which work about 20% of the time, and Darcy is about as funny as a sea urchin massage in your rectum. Erik Selvig is reduced to some bumbling fool for no real reason, and I was very confused as to why he’s now crazy. Even the characters that aren’t annoying are uninteresting. Like Thor’s mother, who (spoiler) dies and I guess I was supposed to care, but I honestly didn’t even know her name. The Dark Elves were really just the same as the invading army in the Avengers. Everything seemed like it had all been done before, and Thor is just not interesting enough to make it seem fresh. Mysterious substance is coveted by a villain who plans to do terrible things with it? Never seen that before. Also, I still like Loki as a character, but he’s getting stale at this point, too. And (spoiler) Odin is dead, I guess? What happened there? Loki killing Odin wasn’t important enough to show? Instead we should have more Darcy and the intern scenes? Whatever, I don’t care.
Score: 6 gods of thunder (KISS-style) (out of 10)
Hard Ticket to Home Video 
I liked when her cell phone worked in another dimension.
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RIGHT?? There are so many stupid plot conveniences.
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We watched Armageddon yesterday for no reason other than there was nothing else to do. It’s SO DUMB.
“By God, I will make 800 feet.”
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I wish that movie ended with the rock exploding into a million pieces and every one of them falls to Earth and hits Liv Tyler in the face.
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In the face or the tits?
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Both! Direct shot to the nips!
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I’d watch that!!
#nips
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they always have to toss someone in there who’s on a current sitcom, to keep it fresssshhhhh.
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Seriously, do they play Dio’s music in the film? I mean, the vid clip you have posted looks like a Dio video, but I didn’t hear no Stand up and Shout or Rainbow in the Dark??? Maybe The Mob Rules would fit better!
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Holy Diver!!!
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Good one, what about…Neon Knights!!!!!
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If they did my score would go from 6 to at least 13.
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“Thor, shirtless, if you’re into that sort of disgusting thing.”
Yes. Yes I am.
And I enjoyed this movie. And the nudity.
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They should have balanced it out with at least the top half of Sif’s nipples. Or have Kat Denning’s character not be completely horrible and show some massive cleavage.
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What a filthy perv.
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Thor’s mom is named Frigga.
As in I don’t Friggan care.
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or “I’d like to Frigga”. works best in an asutralian accent
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BURN!
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The first is still a bit better, although I can’t deny that this is definitely a better sequel than I imagined seeing. Good review.
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At last someone agrees with everything i said in my review! I got abuse for it by people saying it was the best Marvel film ever. Thank you Brian for making me feel like i’m not crazy
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Well, in this instance, anyway. This movie just seemed like they needed to get a Thor sequel out of the way.
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Loki! Loki! Loki!
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You need to stop watching superhero movies. They’ve jaded you. Hatin’ on this AND The Winter Soldier? Blasphemy.
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I gave Winter Soldier a 7.5
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Yeah but I still got the impression that you didn’t really love it, right?
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Yeah it didn’t blow me away or anything. Had a lot of flaws that I brought up.
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I think Shakma raised your film reviewing bar too high. That or Santa with Muscles.
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You could be right. But I would much rather see Shakma try to break down a door than Cap block bullets with his shield over and over.
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Fair enough. I bet Santa with Muscles could deflect bullets with his forehead.
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