Flash Gordon (1980)

Flash Gordon is the greatest comic book movie ever made. Any debate to the contrary means that person was paid off by a movie studio, plain and simple, no exceptions. You couldn’t have more good, cheesy fun if you took LSD and ran naked through a Kraft factory. But what really raises this movie from a fun time to crotch-scorchingly awesome is the soundtrack. Queen absolutely knocked it out of the park, making not just a classic movie soundtrack but a completely kick-ass rock album. Here are some of my favorite tracks:

“Flash’s Theme”

I’m giving this song a narrow victory over Super Fuzz as the greatest movie theme song of all time, mostly because this is Queen, dammit. If Queen did the Super Fuzz theme, that would probably win. Anyway, this theme rocks you so hard you’ll stop wondering if Freddie Mercury would have been a better singer if he’d gotten braces as a kid. Then, at 1:44, we get a little softer, reminding everyone that hey, Flash may kick and get with a lot of ass, but he’s just a man like you.

“In the Space Capsule (Love Theme)”

This is when Flash, Dale and Zarkov get their asses in Zarkov’s space capsule because Earth is going haywire and head up to space, fortunately going through the exact wormhole they need in order to get to Mongo. And Dale kind of has some kind of sleeping space orgasm. This song starts of really dreamlike then gets awesome at 45 seconds when the drums kick in. Great song for you acid lovers.

“Ming’s Theme”

I always thought this sounded like a robot taking a dump.

“Football Fight”

How amazing would it be if this was the opening theme song to Monday Night Football?

“Vultan´s Theme (Attack of The Hawk Men)”

“Yeah, all right, cool, I’m getting pretty pumped for this battle, LET’S DO THIS THING!” “DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!”

“Battle Theme”

HOLY SHITLASERS. I know I praised the kick-assness of Flash’s Theme, but this is the most kick-flurping-ass song that has ever been put to film. You want to lose 67 pounds in the gym? Work out to this song on a loop. If “Gonna Fly Now” from Rocky makes you push yourself to run a little bit faster, this epic fucker makes you feel like you can sprint through the jungle kicking evil rabid gorillas in the face and then destroying their stone temple of evil with your bare hands, thus saving the Royal Family of the Universe.

Fun Fact: This song was used to excellent effect in the otherwise weird movie Observe and Report:

“The Wedding March”

If I were a broad, I absolutely would’ve walked down the aisle to this. My wife wouldn’t hear of it. But my daughter WILL if she wants a dime from me.