Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight (1995)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: The Collector (Billy Zane) is a demon who is after a holy key that Brayker (William Sadler) has. Brayker is trying to avoid him, but Zane catches up to him at an old church converted into an old hotel, then it’s humans vs. demons in a battle for the grand national championship.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• I love the Tales from the Crypt intro, where the camera goes through the castle and down to the crypt. I loved watching this show as a kid and the intro gives me warm and fuzzy memories of death and gore.
• And right off the bat we have the number one reason I loved to watch this show as a kid: naked boobs.
• John Larroquette as John Laroquette!
• The Crypt Keeper is the director! They show him walking, which I don’t think they ever showed on TV, and it looks pretty horrible.
• I love that William Sadler is the star of this movie. I always thought he was underrated. Maybe not A-list level but high Bs for sure.
• And Dick Miller!
• I bumped into William Sadler at the Poughkeepsie train station in college. I mean I was in college, not him.
• I don’t know who this is playing Deputy Bob but he’s probably one of the top 3 worst actors I’ve ever seen.
• I’m trying to decide if Billy Zane was a little underrated or properly rated. Probably properly rated, he’s no Frank Stallone.
• Thomas Hayden Church has electrodes hooked up to his nipples as a sexual act. Anybody tried that?
• Billy Zane punches through a cop’s head! That’s when things get weird.

I was wishing Brad would do this to me while we were watching Barracuda.

• Zane cuts his hand open, splurts his green goop on the ground, and makes some more demons that look like Tina Turner coming out of the shower.
• So there’s some Jesus blood inside the cross, which Brayker uses to make a magic barrier on the doors and windows to keep the demons out. I wonder if that would work on my underwear to keep lice out?
• This movie has the same basic premise as Night of the Living Dead, but demons and Billy Zane instead of zombies. I like how this movie mixes it up a bit by destroying the demons’ eyes as the way to kill them.
• CCH Pounder gets her arm pounded off!
• Jada Pinkett is not wearing a bra in this.
• CCH has not only not bled to death, she seems to be thriving.
• Dick Miller walks into an entire party room full of bare boobs!!
• CCH and Bob blow themselves up with grenades for absolutely no reason. They could have just thrown the grenades at the demons.

Pound(er) foolish!

• Wow Brayker is such a dumb name.
• A kid kills Brayker, Jeryline becomes the new demon knight, spits Jesus blood in Billy Zane’s face after he does this flaming penis thing.

That flaming penis thing.

• In the ending vignette, the producers chop Crypt Keeper’s head off at the movie premiere, and he says, “Now that’s inter-tainment!” I have no idea what he means.

Is It Actually Scary: It’s more of an action-packed gore romp with a couple of jump scares.

How Much Gore: It’s wall-to-wall eviscerations!

Best Scene: This is a major spoiler so don’t watch if you haven’t seen the movie, but it’s a great scene that’s gory and surprising, and I love the way they used the comic book:

Worst Scene: I don’t really get the whole seven keys thing. In a flashback to filling the key with Jesus’s blood, it was just one key. Maybe the demons already had the other six? It was implied that they were searching for the keys throughout the galaxy, and that doesn’t make a ton of sense either.

Any Nudity: Some big fake boobies at the beginning and a little in the middle, and Jada Pinkett is braless the whole time.

Overall: I have a soft spot in my heart for the Crypt Keeper so I may be looking at this through tinted glasses but I enjoyed this picture. It’s not great, and the semi-original premise gets an unoriginal execution, but I was never bored, and the action and gore were pretty entertaining. It’s basically a good zombie survival movie with demons instead of zombies, and using Jesus’s blood to board up doors and windows instead of wood. William Sadler and Thomas Hayden Church are great, but Billy Zane is actually terrific in this, playing a smarmy asshole demon to the hilt. It’s weird to say that Billy Zane stole the show but he did. I’m not sure why he didn’t have a better career, but he was with Kelly Brook for a long time so he probably just wanted to stay home. Anyway, I recommend this flick. It’s fun, paced well and you won’t regret sitting through it, which is hard to come by during Schlocktoberfest.

Score: 7.5 holy keys filled with William Sadler’s holy blood (out of 10)