You may have noticed a lack of activity from Hard Ticket to Home Video in the past few days. I apologize for any inconvenience, but I ended up having a surprise laparoscopic appendectomy this weekend and was a bit preoccupied with that.

Genitals 100% accurate.

But I’m on the mend, and ready to entertain again (at about a 60% level). Recovering from surgery is an ideal time to do some bulk movie watching in between sleeping, and that I did. I watched an interesting assortment, being limited at first to the channels I got in the hospital room, and the movies pretty much had to be laugh-free, since laughing was painful.

Braveheart (1995)

Starring: Mel Gibson, British

Synopsis:  William Wallace tries to free Scotland by being charming and hitting English with a sword.

Best part(s): All of the battles in this are excellent, mostly due to their graphic violence. Here’s a clip from the Battle of Stirling (which didn’t happen anything like this since there was supposed to be a bridge and mud and stuff but still, axes to the face!):

Worst part(s): Princess Isabella just seems completely unnecessary, especially since historically she’s not even supposed to be there.

Best line(s):  “Every man dies … Not every man really lives.” (actually written by William Ross Wallace, 19th Century American poet, but close enough)

Nudity: Scottish boobies, man butts.

Overall: Really good flick, but mostly because it appeals to the bloodlustful man inside of you (wait, did that sound wrong?). This was back when it was good to see Mel Gibson in a movie and he does a great job starring in this, and the supporting characters are all well-cast and acted. So just taken on its own it’s very watchable, although longer than an elephant’s booger. But if you’re looking for historical accuracy, you’re better off watching Clash of the Titans. Most of the people depicted in the movie did in fact exist, and nearly everything else about it is either exaggerated, changed or made up. For instance:

• The Scottish didn’t wear kilts back then.
• Princess Isabella wasn’t anywhere near these events. Wallace died in 1305, and Isabella didn’t marry Prince Edward until 1308, when she was the ripe old age of 12.
• Wallace was actually a noble before all this.
• “Braveheart” was Robert the Bruce’s nickname.
• King Edward I was actually a pretty good king, and played a big role in stabilizing England’s government.
• At Wallace’s execution, they just strung him up, cut off his wiener, burned it in front of him, then cut out his guts and heart. There was no talking.

Anyway, it goes on and on, but like I said, kick-ass flick if you don’t look into it.

Score: 7 discarded history books (out of 10)

Hoodwinked (2005)

Starring: Anne Hathaway, Patrick Warburton, Glenn Close, Jim Belushi

Synopsis:  Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf and some sort of crime or something.

Best part(s): I don’t know.

Best line(s):  N/A

Nudity: All of the animals are fully clothed.

Overall: Ok, viewing this didn’t actually have (much) to do with pain medication. My wife and daughter came to visit me in the hospital room and this was the only slightly kid thing I could find for her. So I didn’t really watch it so much as it was on in the background, but technically it had to go on the list here. I just want to comment that this is probably the worst CG animation I’ve ever seen for a widely released movie. Apparently it’s like an “indie,” but still, the Nasonex bee looked better than this. There’s better CG in a Fatty Arbuckle movie. The first Toy Story looks a hundred times better, and that was made 10 years earlier. Hoodwinked came out a year after The Incredibles, which still looks incred…amazing. I know their budgets were worlds apart, but still. This looks like the dancing baby on Ally McBeal. It makes the monkey alien from Lost in Space look like Hulk in The Avengers. I refuse to believe that this is all $15 million buys you. Maybe they blew most of it on the voice cast? Well don’t use celebrities then. You think people flocked to Beauty and the Beast because of the blinding star power of Robbie Benson? Look, if you don’t have the money to do CG animation that doesn’t make you check your glasses to see if the person next to you smeared poop on them when you weren’t looking, then don’t bother. 

Score: 2 dollars budgeted (out of 10)

Miracle (2004)

Starring: Kurt Russell, Al Michaels

Synopsis:  The Stars and Stripes beats the Soviets at their own game… on ICE!

Best part(s): The big game, obviously, but also this speech, which was chosen as an “emotional closer” by my wife’s company during one of their meetings:

Best line(s):  “Again!”

Nudity: There’s a shower scene with some light horseplay between close teammates but no nudity.

Overall: Not a ton to say about this one. It’s worth a watch, but it’s really all motivational speeches and hockey reenactments. Honestly you’re better off watching a documentary about it, like the following, which is excellent:

Score: 6.5 gold medals (out of 10)

Born on the Fourth of July (1989)

Starring: Tom Cruise, other people who don’t matter

Synopsis:  Generic Vietnam vet story.

Best part(s): Combat scenes are ok, nothing groundbreaking.

Worst part(s): (scene starts at 3:20) This. What is this? “Hey, U.S. soldiers sometimes killed children. I don’t think the audience really gets it. I mean, of course they don’t, they’re not incredible geniuses like me.” – Oliver Stone

Best line(s):  “Penis! Penis! Big f*cking erect penis, Mom!”

Nudity: Mexican prostitute boobies.

Overall: I’m sorry, no disrespect to our nation’s honorable veterans, but this movie sucks. Even though it’s supposed to be based on the life of one guy, it’s really just a series of scenes shouting, “Hey look, this is what happened to guys coming back from Vietnam! They struggled!” No character, and I mean none of them, is fleshed out besides Tom Cruise. For example, Tom Cruise wheels down to Mexico and hooks up with some other paralyzed vets, and they don’t really do much, and he bangs a prostitute for a while, then he gets in a wheelchair fight with Willem Dafoe, and then he just sort of goes back to America. We don’t learn anything else about any of those guys. And there’s also his conflict with his overly religious mother. Did they finally make peace? Guess you’ll have to read the book or call the guy or something, because Oliver Stone sure as shit isn’t going to tell you. And the entire movie is pretty much like that. Just really cliché war vet stuff: they turn into drunks, alienate their families, feel guilt and anguish, lash back at society, etc. There’s no new or interesting ground covered here whatsoever. It probably could have been good, but Oliver Stone always treats the audience like children who couldn’t possibly fathom his brilliance. So of course, he won a Best Director Oscar.

Score: 3 Mexican prostitutes (out of 10)

Once Upon a Time in the West (1968)

Starring: Charles Bronson, Jason Robards, Henry Fonda, Claudia Cardinale, Jack Elam

Synopsis:  Guy from Death Wish and the editor of the Washington Post want to shoot the old man from On Golden Pond because a busty gal inherited some property.

Best part(s): So many great scenes but my personal favorite is Cheyenne’s raid on the train, especially the ol’ gun in the boot trick. Unfortunately I can’t find a clip of that, so here’s an equally good scene, “You brought two too many…”

Worst part(s): Mrs. McBain really didn’t seem to mind when Frank was sexually assaulting her. I know she was trying to save her skin but she didn’t really seem to have a plan by being so willing.

Best line(s):

Harmonica: I saw three of these dusters a short time ago, they were waiting for a train. Inside the dusters, there were three men.
Cheyenne: So?
Harmonica: Inside the men, there were three bullets.

Nudity: Fantastic Claudia Cardinale cleavage.

Overall: NOW we’re talking! This movie is completely awesome. You’d really be hard-pressed to find a Western more enjoyable than this. It’s long, but it most definitely doesn’t feel like it. Charles Bronson is cool as a mothereffer, of course, and Henry Fonda makes a great asshole villain, but Jason Robards really surprised me in this. When I first saw him I didn’t think he was going to work in the role, but I ended up loving his character. As great as this movie is, I still think I prefer the films in the Dollars Trilogy over it, mostly because I’m an Eastwood guy and have a preference for that music. But this is just as good, and one of the best Westerns ever made. Sergio Leone really was a master filmmaker (although a bit of a bastard by most accounts). They just don’t make movies like this anymore. I think as I get older, and this may be true of a lot of guys, I really appreciate Westerns a lot more. I remember my dad always watching them when I was a kid but they seemed boring to me. Well they’re anything but, you stupid kid. Go clean your room!

Score: 8.5 harmonicas (out of 10)