The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t (1966)

Trailer

What’s It About: Italians do Christmas, is that even legal? This one is about Phineas T. Prune, a first-class jerkhole who wants Christmas eliminated, much like Andy Dick in The Hebrew Hammer… and almost every other antagonist in every Christmas movie ever.

We start in a clearly Italian village that is supposed to be passing for a town in America even though no town in America looks like this. Some creepy guy who looks like the Riddler is decorating a Christmas tree in the Italian town square with a bunch of kids who dress like rich people would dress if they were going to a costume party as poor people. Although everyone is dressed in scarves and 10 layers of clothing, it looks like the middle of summer out. You can almost feel 90-degree temperatures coming out of the screen.

The creep, Sam Whipple, is hanging decorations later that night when Santa Claus comes by and tells him that Christmas isn’t coming this year because Phineas T. Prune has effed his stuff up. Sam just totally believes that this guy is Santa just because he’s the fattest, most bearded Italian in Smalltown, USA. “Santa” explains to Sam, who is a lawyer, that Prune has bought up the land in the North Pole where Santa’s workshop sits, and Santa is behind on the rent, meaning his property can be seized and all the possessions therein, including all the toys for the boys and girls! Prune has put Santa in a real raisin, so Santa has to lawyer up, and Sam’s his man. Santa comes to Sam because Sam wrote him a letter when he was a boy thanking him for the presents and telling him if he ever needed anything to let him know. Well Sam’s body wrote that check, and now Santa’s going to cash it on his ass!

They charge for Prune’s house, but he’s not home. Santa says Prune comes by the house at the North Pole every night at dinner to ask for the rent because he likes to spoil their meal. What an evil son of a beast, but I can’t say that I don’t like his style. And apparently the North Pole is just a short ride from Italy Smalltown, USA.

At the North Pole, looks like all the toys for Christmas in the world are made by seven Italian elves and their boss, who is unofficially the second-tallest man in Italy. Things get off to a great start with them when the elves go back into a room and they all crawl under the boss’s legs. It’s not right at all, and makes you wonder what kind of games Santa’s playing here.

Like clockwork, Prune comes by at dinner time, and complains his mustache off about children. Apparently he just hates the fact that children get more attention than he does. I guess he either never got loved growing up or got a little too much of the wrong kind of love. Either way, how hard is it to avoid kids? If he’s one of the richest men in the world, can’t he just live on his own private island off the coast of Italy?

Did I mention that this is kind of a musical? It’s a little like Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, except the songs in that movie are good and memorable. The songs in this movie are almost as bad as the Madonna version of “Santa Baby.” Sorry, The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t, that was harsh.

Sam stands up to Prune, and rates Prune “X” by an all-white elf jury. He tries to explain that Santa and crew have no money and would be homeless if Prune evicted them. So where does he get the materials for his toy-making operation? Santa’s workshop is like the world’s worst-run charity. Prune tells Santa that he doesn’t have to pay the rent, but only if Santa promises never to give presents to children again. What a d*ck. Santa refuses, but you can tell that he’s sort of thinking about it.

Then we get another song about how bad Prune is, even though the entire movie up to this point is everyone explaining how bad he is. Man, these songs are piss-poor.

Sam pleads with Prune, saying that he must have been a child himself once, but Prune vehemently denies that he ever was. If he was born an adult, I’d hate to see what his mother’s birth canal looks like. Sam comes up with the bright idea to prove that Prune was a child once. Are you effing kidding me? Why would there seriously be some kind of doubt?

Santa tells Boss Elf to check the records for Prune as a kid. Now here comes a song that makes “The 12 Days of Christmas” sound listenable by comparison. A sample of the lyrics:  “Prune, Prune, Prune, spoon, moon, June, Prune, Prune, Prune, the name of the song is Prune!” Put an autotune on that and you have Chris Brown’s next hit.

So while Boss Elf is searching, Sam has another bright idea to EARN the money for the rent by getting Santa a job as… a department store Santa. Yeah, those guys make money hand over beard. Especially when there’s a week until Christmas. Santa should clear a cool $80 through this plan. Mr. Prim, the owner of the department store, acts like the department store Santa thing has NEVER been done before in the history of the world. It’s unclear if this movie is set in 1866, but it doesn’t really seem like it. Was America entirely populated with Italians back then?

“In all my years, I’ve never seen one child wide awake, they’ve always been fast asleep.” – What are things only Santa and certain inmates on death row say?

Wow, whoever wrote the songs for this movie must have been huffing nail polish remover and listening to on-board audio of the Day the Music Died plane crash.

Santa is incredibly nervous about all the wide-awake children coming to see him and acts like he has Asperger’s mixed with social anxiety disorder mixed with being a douche. There’s an amazingly uncomfortable scene where Santa and Sam are on the floor of the department store playing with a bunch of crappy toys. Even though the kids see Santa playing with a bunch of toys, they act disgusted until they pick them up. What’s wrong with this town? And wow, the toys are worse than the songs. Why did stuffed animals have to have sandpaper skin and dead eyes back then, either 1866 or 1966?

Back at Prune’s house… apparently he has a dead butler, with black circles around his eyes and a tux covered in cobwebs. Is Prune into black magick? Let’s hope so.

There is a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng sequence where Prune and his zombie butler go to the department store to mess with Santa but don’t end up really doing anything except get pissy looks from a kid. So I guess Prune is also dumb enough to think Santa could raise a couple grand in a week as a department store Santa.

Then Sam sings a song, and the lyrics don’t even make any sense. It’s like R. Kelly wrote them in the middle of having a crack stroke.

Sam actually tells Santa that their grand plan is actually working and they’ll have enough money for the rent by the Christmas Eve deadline. So maybe the rent was only $80. HOWEVER, Prune has bought the department store! That’s just a big EFF YOU to Santa. Santa’s fired immediately. But since they’re close to having enough money, either Sam or Mrs. Claus are going to have to get bent for the rent. Unfortunately, there’s a clause in Claus’s contract that any toys broken during his shift come out of his pay, meaning the toys Prune just broke. Um, Sam, aren’t you a lawyer? Well that wipes Santa out (which turned out to be $700 somehow, which would be a small fortune in 1866 Naples).

There’s a montage of kids singing (which is always pleasant) as they go to bed. One kid pulls a chamber pot from underneath the bed, so this either has to be 1866 or this family is too poor to afford Pull-Ups and rubber sheets.

Well Santa and Stupid Sam seem to have given up, and sit in the town square feeling sorry for themselves until an 8-year-old boy with a wispy mustache comes by and tells them that all the kids in town can chip in some money for Santa. How much money could these kids possibly have? And why didn’t I ever think of this? Oh I know why, it would make me feel like a real turd to take money away from kids.

It’s at this point I start thinking that it’s all well and good that Santa is willing to prise the rent out of the local children, but what about when next month’s rent is due, and all of the months after that? Which leads to another question: Why doesn’t Santa just go someplace else? The house/workshop they live in looks to be about 500 square feet. He can’t find a space like that anywhere else on the planet?

Wow, next Prune sings a song about waiting. Unbelievable. Also ironic, since I’ve been waiting for this movie to end for about 6 hours now.

Santa and Sam bring Prune the rent money in pennies coated in children’s tears just in the Saint Nick of time. Santa has just enough time to load up his sleigh and deliver the toys to all the good girls and boys, who have bought and paid for them. Then we the audience are treated to the present of the worst reindeer and sleigh flying sequence ever put to film. And then apparently they ran out of film, as a montage of still images is shown of Santa, Sam, and Mrs. Claus delivering toys. I guess to show the entire filmed sequence would have just been too boring to bear. And it seems that Santa is only delivering toys to that one town. Maybe there was a nuclear holocaust everywhere else? Did they have nukes in 1866? This movie is deep.

Just one present left to deliver: a present for Prune! A toy sailboat. It’s what Prune has always wanted, even though he’s filthy rich and could have bought it at anytime. This is all based off a postcard Boss Elf found in the corner of the workshop, sent by Prune when he was 5. Since Boss Elf lost the card, that’s why Santa never visited Prune, and that’s why Prune hates kids and Christmas. Looks like Boss Elf will be getting coal in his severance package.

And blah blah blow ho ho, Prune’s heart grows three sizes that day. Prune runs out of his house shouting, “Why, why, WHY?!!?!?!!!” I know exactly how you feel, Phineas…

Is It Actually Jolly: You know, not so much. Santa’s always sad, and Prune’s always a d*ck. The elves are overworked and hapless, and Sam is a sad-sack. There are maybe two happy moments in the whole movie, when Santa and Sam are playing with the toys for a few minutes, and the ending.

Jolliest Moment: At the end of the movie, Prune literally tackles a boy in the snow in order to give him the toy sailboat.

Dumbest Moment: Besides Santa earning $700 in just a couple of days by working in a department store, the dumbest moment is the title itself, “The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t.” Obviously, if the Christmas almost wasn’t, that means it actually was, so the entire climax is spoiled. I don’t think there’s ever been a movie with a spoiler for a title other than this. That would be like naming The Sixth Sense “The Psychologist Who Doesn’t Know He’s a Ghost.”

Overall: A really weird movie, with the whole Italy-as-America thing, half the actors speaking dubbed-over Italian, the mysterious time period it’s set in, the very odd-looking cast, particularly Boss Elf and Prune’s butler, and the atrocious songs that add nothing at all to the movie. It’s not entirely unwatchable, but it’s probably not the best use of your valuable holiday time. You could be making Christmas cannolis or watching Gremlins.

Score: 5.5 (out of 10)