Santa Claus: The Movie (1985)

Trailer:

*Spoilers throughout*

What’s It About: This epic story of the history and origin of Santa Claus begins in what looks like the Ewok village with humans set in the Dark Ages. A holly jolly man comes to the village braving a terrible blizzard with his wife just so he can give toys to the kids of the village. This man, Claus, played by the guy who played the Big Lebowski, absolutely adores children and loves giving them toys. He is welcomed to stay at the village until the storm weakens, but he has many more toys to deliver to children in a neighboring town and declines to stay. With his two trusty reindeer Donner and Blitzen, he and Mrs. Claus foolishly head out into the snow. Within a few miles his reindeer falter and cannot go on despite Claus’s pleas that the next village will be warm and have food and that lying in the snow will kill them all. This fat man is so greedy for those kids’ approval or adoration that he is willing to sacrifice his wife and reindeer just to deliver some Dark Age-era wooden toys. Suffice to say, they go nowhere and freeze to death.

Or so we think. The storm lets up and a great light brightens the sky. With the light comes a few dozen “Vendegum,” or elves as we call them, arrive to rescue them. They take them to a village on top of the world where the elves live immortally and make toys. Its never explained why these elves make toys nor how they give these toys to anyone. We meet the various elves, like Dooley, Puffy and Patch, played by a very cash-strapped Dudley Moore. Well anyway Claus is welcomed as a sort of toy prophet or saviour if you will and immediately takes charge of the village and the workshops. When Claus learns the ropes there is a ceremony where a very old Burgess Meredith ordains him Santa Claus and makes he and his wife immortal and decrees he will deliver the toys to all the children of the world on Christmas Eve.

A couple of short montages pass us by as we see how Santa flies down from the North pole with some sort of magical herb that is fed to the reindeer. It also shows how time flies with Santa, thus explaining how he is able to deliver all the toys door-to-door in one short night to every boy and girl. He also has some sort of transporting power that I guess is only regulated via chimneys, otherwise wouldn’t transporting house to house be quicker instead of flying reindeer? As time passes from the dark ages to the 19th century Santa makes a rule that only GOOD boys and girls get presents. Thanks, Victorians!

As we approach the 20th century, we find Santa very tired and distraught by the workload of delivering all these toys to so many children. I guess the joy of giving got to the big lug and he decides to get an assistant. There’s a small montage showing a friendly elf competition between Puffy and Patch on who can make more toys the fastest. Puffy is constructing the toys the “old-fashioned” way whereas Patch, the inventor among the elves, invents a modern-like machine that makes toys faster and wins the role of assistant. But he botches up his status that next Christmas when a lot of his toys break on the children of Earth and the toys are returned to the North Pole. How they are returned is never explained other than they just somehow magically show up. Patch, saddened by his failure, leaves the North Pole.

The movie stops all the montages as the movie’s pacing slows to a crawl as we enter the modern time of 1985. Its at this point that the movie ironically becomes a big commercial when we meet a hapless homeless boy named Joe who licks his lips watching people eat McDonald’s burgers and fries. This scene is about 5 minutes long and shows the joy of every patron in the fast food restaurant as they chow down. I was half-expecting Ronald McDonald to walk across screen. We also meet Cornelia, a kindly rich girl who befriends Joe and gives him her leftovers, including a New Coke, which Joe sucks down.

One Christmas, Santa befriends Joe and takes him for a reindeer joyride over New York City. Later that night Joe and Santa accidentally awaken Cornelia and they all become friends despite the old rule that no child is supposed to see Santa. Meanwhile, Patch arrives in the Big Apple and attempts to help troubled and villainous toy maker B.Z., (John Lithgow) who also happens to be Cornelia’s step-uncle. Patch tells B.Z. that he can create a toy like no other and will save B.Z.’s struggling company. Patch’s solution is a lollipop made with the magical herb that makes the reindeer fly. That Christmas, Patch builds a “Patchmobile” (basically a futuristic-looking flying car with no wheels) and rides around delivering the lollipops to the children. The candy is naturally a hit when everyone who eats the lollipop starts floating in the air, not caring whether such a feat is safe or should be allowed. My inner-child at this point is yelling at me: IT’S JUST A KIDS’ CHRISTMAS MOVIE!!!

Next Christmas (actually January), B.Z. makes candy cane versions of the magic candy, but he later learns that if they are exposed to high temperatures they will explode. Joe and Cornelia eavesdrop on this new information and Joe is kidnapped by B.Z. and taken to his factory. Cornelia alerts the police that her uncle kidnapped Joe but also writes a letter to Santa asking him for help as well. Santa receives the letter despite it being January and rushes to aid his human friends (who aren’t supposed to SEE him ever!!).

Meanwhile, Patch finds Joe bound and gagged in the factory and realizes that B.Z. is a bad guy and now wants to return to the North Pole. He and Joe fill up the Patchmobile with the candy canes, unbeknownst to him that they will explode in heat. Joe never tells Patch this factoid even though it was the learning of this crucial bit of information that got him kidnapped. Santa races to find and save Joe and Patch while the police attempt to arrest B.Z. As the police march up to B.Z.’s office, he eats a bunch of candy canes to float away from capture. Unfortunately he ate too much and floats into outer space (and will eventually die a horrible and cold death!)

Santa and Patch are safe at the North Pole and both Joe and Cornelia are welcomed to stay for a year with them. All is right in the world again.

Is It Actually Jolly: This epic movie was produced by the Salkinds, who if you recall the name, produced Superman: The Movie, also an epic about a man with extraordinary powers. I vaguely remember Santa Claus: The Movie when it was released but I think I recall how hyped it was. Is it Jolly? Actually, it’s borderline creepy. I say creepy mainly for the production design and me now being in my mid-30s. They attempted to make Santa’s workshop Wonka-esque with very loud and vibrant colors but instead of Oompa-Loompas played by actual dwarves and height-handicapped people, The North pole is all human-sized people wearing elf costumes. Kinda creepy. It’s also very slow and boring. The first 45 minutes or so all revolve around the history of Santa and about 5 musical montages of him flying around and gaining legends and rules behind his mythos. You’d think this would be interesting but it’s so not. Again, being 33 could hamper this for me but I’m trying my best to think more like a film critic than an observer. The rest of the movie is such an exhausting and boring mess. There’s actual scenes of people looking bored and tired. Santa actually sits down and sighs at how tired he is and Mrs. Claus suggests him getting an assistant and there’s more scenes of him at the North Pole looking sad, fatigued and aloof. There’s even a few shots of a very bored Dudley Moore as he is making his magical candy. Literally there’s a shot of him just sitting watching his machine make candy looking like he’s about to nod off.

Jolliest Moment: Not all of the montages of Santa flying and delivering gifts are bad. In fact if you just watch those montages by themselves it would make a nice Christmas video. Henry Mancini composed the score and in these montages it’s mostly variations of classic Christmas songs and tunes that make even this 33-year-old kid gear up for the holiday.

Dumbest Moment: The second half of the movie is no picnic to watch. Santa is bored, Dudley Moore is bored, and the two kids who befriend Santa are as wooden as the toys Santa’s elves make. However, you do have a very over-the-top John Lithgow chewing scenery like he has a tapeworm. But he and the rest of the second half are outright dumb. But if I were to pick one moment it would be the whole Magic Candy plot. Seriously awesome toys that transform from car to robot or a game like Laser-Tag are at least grounded in reality and plausibility, even for a jolly fat man to bring to a child. But magical candy that allows the person who ate it to fly?! That’s not only irresponsible and completely unsafe but absurd for a Christmas gift. That’s akin to a magical chocolate bar that allows the eater invisibility or the ability to walk through walls.

Overall: I can’t say I liked this movie back in 1985, in fact I’ve avoided it until now and for once I’m right. Ever wonder why classics like Charlie Brown Christmas, It’s a Wonderful Life and Christmas Story are shown every year? Because they are good examples of Yuletide cinema. I have never ever heard of Santa Claus: The Movie ever broadcasted again on cable or on basic channels since the mid-’80s. I’d be a bit surprised if most of my peers remember it, seen it or even heard of it. I will give the producers some credit on the many Christmas montages but that’s about it.

Score: 4 (out of 10)