King Kung Fu (1976)

Starring: John Ballee as the Gorilla, Billy Schwartz

Directed by: Lance D. Hayes (this is his only movie, thankfully)

Synopsis:  A talking gorilla is trained in the ways of kung fu at a monastery in China. He finds his way to America and does a whole bunch of dumb, boring shit in Wichita.

Best part(s): The Wichita song. I’ve never wanted to visit Wichita before… and I still don’t. But it is a lovely song.

Worst part: Trying to find an object in your home that’s sharp and sturdy enough to cleanly pierce through your temple. 

Best line: Bo: “It’s time for a one-on-one, Herman. Bo Burgess and King Kung Fu in a martial arts massacre. Me as the karater, and him as the karatee.”

Nudity: King Kung Fu hangs dong the entire time.

Overall: A gorilla who kicks ass using kung fu. What could possibly go wrong with that? Well, as it turns out, pretty much everything. Aside from a fetus’s handful of slightly smirk-inducing moments, this is one of the most excruciatingly boring movies I’ve ever sat through. Shipwreck survivors floating in leaky life rafts have more fun than you will watching this. The problem isn’t that it’s silly, of course it’s going to be silly, but it tries to go way too far over the top, so the silly just becomes incredibly stupid. For example:

If you sat through that without dozing off or hanging yourself then congratulations, you’ll survive the inevitable robot uprising when they accept you as one of their own. But I guarantee you that even if you were born without a head, you’re a better actor than everyone in this shitjungle. Everyone seems like they’re reading cue cards that have one word on them and a turtle is flipping them over with its mouth. The only person who can sort of act in King Kung Fu is the sheriff, who does a John Wayne impersonation literally the entire time. That’s ok if he’s in like one or two scenes, but he’s one of the leads and it gets so old so fast it’s like a progeria time machine. This movie is just outright agony to sit through. I think I may even hate it just as much as Ghoulies. At least in Ghoulies the actors didn’t sound like they had just gotten smashed in the mouth with a baseball bat.

Fuk Yu, King Kung Fu.

Score: 0.5 bananas to prop your eyelids open (out of 10)